I’ve had a record number of blog hits since I realised the latest press release highlighting the issues that we face. I think that this is the perfect opportunity to say a few important points. In order to get the system to understand and to achieve the changes that we need within society, we must literally all start writing to anyone in the system, e.g. MP’s, Local Authorities, NAS etc (there are probably more but these are the main ones). We have to tell our experiences and ask for reasonable changes to ensure that our lives aren’t being made difficult by the way our current system works.
Obviously, I will continue doing my own part. However, there is an impact when it comes to strength in numbers. We need people on the spectrum or their families to ‘come out of the shadows’ and ‘push for changes’. I’m using the skills that I have learned from my conflict and negotiation course. It is still quite hard to keep the lid on the frustration that I feel, especially now I many more facts about the situation that I’ve just been through.
I know that there are many who most likely think I’m ‘scum’ and ‘evil’ due to things that have happened. This is because they do not know understand my disability. There is no comprehending what everything was like for me in certain circumstances. It’s more difficult for me being slightly on the spectrum because I’m so much more aware of the painful side of life that unfortunately, I have experienced rather early in life. I’ve always felt things intensely. That means when I got disappointed over things, I reacted intensely. I was already quite angry by the time this current situation that is in court kicked off. I’d just had my baby son removed and placed for adoption, despite spending a whole year representing myself in court trying to stop it. And I’d just lost my Dad to a long standing progressive type illness, which was painful to watch and I felt that I’d failed him because I’d never lived up to his expectations. I have never felt like the support services around here are actually supportive. They just do not understand what I’m trying to tell them because they cannot relate and they do not think the same. I just wanted a friend and combined with the OCD side of my Asperger Syndrome isn’t a great combination.
I was so distressed with grief regarding the life I truly wanted. I just clung onto everything and everyone I liked. I didn’t want to let go because I’ve lost so much in my life. I meant no harm and my anger wasn’t supposed to come out at the person I most looked up to at that time. I couldn’t be open at the time because I was too traumatised. Everything I tried to say/write never came out right. I hoped that by keeping in contact, that the person I most wanted in my life would not walk away. That was logical to me, not to anyone neurotypical. Instead, I realised that I pushed them away and nothing will ever be repaired because now they hate me and think I’m some weirdo. And, I know that I’ve made that mistake every time. However, until I’ve matured and made an effort to ‘catch up’ because I was fed up of being ‘left behind’. There are things I’ve taught myself due to the fact that no one else has ever bothered.