The first main reason is the fact that I meant no one any harm. I cared about the other person and a part of me always will. I cannot ever forgive them for letting me down and all this though. But, this is an intentional harm to me. I was young and stupid. I fell in love and it wasn’t something I could help at the time. I thought it was love… but it was more about my desire to be loved and have a Mother figure in my life (my own Mum isn’t the best at what I need). I’ve never been in a relationship, so I’m extremely naive. It is a very confusing story as to how my son came to exist. I could get a guy, I’ve turned down a lot of offers from both guys and girls throughout my life. There are many personal reasons why I don’t want to go there. I don’t find any of that intimate stuff comfortable. I like being alone, but not lonely. I know a lot of people through things I’ve been involved in, but I’m not close to them. There is always a part of me that I want to keep private from the world. That part of me gets more guarded when I’m betrayed by people around me. There are times when I feel that it would be more suitable for me not to live alone, but then I’m quite possessive over my things. It comes from when I used to live at home and my Mother used to look through my stuff. Then they used to go through our things at the residential home too to ensure that we didn’t have self-harming objects etc. I didn’t self-harm, but because we went into each other’s rooms, they tried to make sure those that did couldn’t get something from somebody else to harm themselves.
I understand everyone else’s disabilities. I was in that residential home and I grew up with a disabled father (passed away from his disability when I was 22). I have truly paid for the things I did as a youngster. I deserve love now. I don’t deserve to be ‘written off’ as a bad person. Love is a human need, not a crime. And I don’t want love as in romantic love. I just want others to see my potential and encourage me, rather than label me and treat me as a bad person. I’m trying to move on and I’m not being allowed to move on. I made mistakes because of my lack of experience. I also wasn’t told any of the information I now know years later. I will literally do anything to be given a chance. I’m offering a huge chance to manipulate me to enable me to move on with life and others to let me do that.