I didn’t sleep a lot last night. I’m extremely tired today. I slept this morning for an hour or so, but now I’m totally exhausted again. I used all the energy I had to do at least some of the housework. It is better than it was, but I have more to do. I’m generally a messy person anyway so that doesn’t bother me. I am more bothered when I can visible see dirt build up. This is the only time I ever tidy up. If you didn’t have to tidy in order to clean then I wouldn’t, but cleaning around mess is utmost impossible. I wish that I didn’t feel so exhausted. I hear that it is a common thing amongst females diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome to always be tired as they get older. I never used to be like this when I was younger.
I find it impossible to socialise with anyone (even chatting online) without needing me time and rest for a day or so afterwards. I do not crave the social interaction that I used to do. Therefore, it also means my OCD issues are fizzling out. I’m maturing and starting to calm down. I still have raging hormones, however, they are becoming less as I am ageing. Your teens and twenties are a lot more emotionally intense than post 30. I’m about to hit that mark. I already am starting to feel more chilled and mature. I’ll most likely be extremely laid back by the time I reach my mid-30s. I will always have that passionate streak though. That is where I get argumentative and very demanding to get things done. I will always find it difficult to accept the suffering and awful things that happen in this world. And, I’d love to be able to do something about many many things.
However, we are powerless in most cases because our influence is so tiny. Our significance is so insignificant in the grand scale of the world and all the events that occur in it. I don’t watch the news because it frustrates me. It’s all so doom ridden. We are all aware that there are things happening in the world and in our locality that aren’t pleasant. The fact that these awful occurrences are highlighted to us, doesn’t help in tackling the rise of depression related conditions. There is too much focus on things going wrong and no positives being reported. I’ve had an awful life within the system, but that system was created and acts the way that it does because of the few bad apples that have done terrible things. We are all responsible for this attitude. In this day and age, we’re taught and moulded to have extreme caution when getting to know each other. I’m not saying that we should reject that model, but, only that we should apply common sense to it. That is what we are seriously lacking as human beings. We aren’t taught to use the common sense options, only the rule books placed before us. Rule books maybe a one approach fits all applies to many of the population, but it won’t work with everyone.
In my own case, a rule book caused everything that occurred because there was absolutely no common sense applied. The system may be there to ‘help’ those classed as vulnerable, but it certainly isn’t helping a percentage because they don’t ‘think like the rule book’. I keep wishing for a miracle and common sense to prevail regarding the order length and my whole situation… but I know that I won’t get it because those involved can’t see my point of view and accept that things can’t stay as they are for an indefinite period of time. I carry that anger because others haven’t listened to me right from the beginning. That is obvious because if others had taken on board what I said, then things certainly wouldn’t be as they are now.
I’m looking into donating my eggs. I’m not officially allowed to surrogate because I’ve had a child adopted. They assume that the birth mother will turn around and want to keep the baby because of losing their own. I think it’s the same if you’ve had a miscarriage or if a woman hasn’t previously had any of their own children. There are lots of clauses you have to follow when you’re officially offering yourself as a surrogate. I would be prepared to do it on a private basis if I got to know a couple who couldn’t have their own. But, I feel that egg donation is the best option for me. There aren’t any of the stipulations above. I won’t get paid (unlike sperm donors-which is totally unequal). I am sure that I will not be having more children. I won’t ever be in the position to have more children. I may as well give my eggs to other women who aren’t able to have their own children. I’m not using them and they only will go to waste. I could only do it for a few years because, by the time I’m in my late 30s, the risk of autism being passed on genetically from me increases dramatically. I can’t willingly give them eggs knowing that the child may be autistic because that is both not good for the parents or the child. I had a healthy baby myself the first time around. He did get some tiny genetic things (eg. asthma) that run in my family, but nothing major. I don’t want to take the risk due to the fact that I was a late baby and was born with problems. That is why I said I’d never have a child after the age of 34 at the latest. The same rule is going to apply if I do go through with donating my eggs. I know that I’ll never be in a relationship to be able to have my own children. This is making sure others can have the opportunity to have their own child if they physically can’t produce eggs themselves for whatever reason.