I just can’t deal with anything. I’m breaking apart, however hard I try to hold it together, things are grinding at my emotions. I’ve never felt so tired in my entire life. I have my cat, Mister, trying to cuddle up next to me while I’m typing this. His abscess has thankfully cleared up now and he’s back to his sociable old self. I’m typing this one handed because he wants to be stroked with my other hand. Dave is asleep on my bedroom floor next to me. And, Mimi has just decided to come in the window because she isn’t keen on the rain. I’m not either. The rain is depressing today. I have had a migraine all day (that isn’t helping). I had to take a painkiller for that (not the ones loaded with caffeine though) because it was like someone had smacked me over the head repeatedly with a brick or something equally as hard. I need a nap just to be able to get up and do some housework. I’ve done most of my online voluntary job earlier. I can’t do anything that involves moving yet though because I have no energy whatsoever. I can’t live this life anymore. I am in extreme emotional distress due to being misjudged. I’m not like I’ve been labeled. I’ve tried to explain my disability, but it is ignored and others proceed to make their own conclusions.
I don’t like talking to brick walls, it’s highly frustrating. I don’t deserve what is happening to me because of what occurred behind my back. I’ve never been seen as a criminal by any other area but this one. I cannot get rid of my disability and I’ve been open and honest about everything I’ve been asked. I don’t deserve to be punished for that either because I have been me all the way through everything, never attempting to deceive. It’s completely a case of what you see is what you get and I’m the most authentic person that anyone could ever meet. That is mainly because of my lack of social interaction with others growing up. I never learned to mask my true self by borrowing personality traits from others to create a social situations persona. I made my mistakes in a genuine way. I didn’t go out to upset others. I don’t want to be hated, feared or anything else negative. I don’t like being punished for a disability which was never my choice. I would undergo the riskiest procedures to obtain a cure for my brain malfunction. I despise myself to the extreme because the labels and assumptions have conditioned me to think that about myself. I feel emotional but I also feel numb (numb is something I’ve never felt in my life before). I sat and stared at the wall for approximately 4 hours, yet it felt like a few minutes. I keep having nightmares when I do manage to sleep. Others don’t realise that I’m not saying random excuses to get out of things, this is how it’s truly destroying me.