Confession regarding who I really am.

The fact that the CPS and court are still hellbent on making me answer charges I do not deserve. And, the fact that I opened the door to the ‘enemy’ and was still in my night clothes shows how much things are tormenting me. That isn’t usual for me. I even forgot to pay the electric bill and actually got cut off. That is seriously not the sort of person that I am. I’m crumbling and no one will give me a break or give me the support back that I need. Okay, at the time I fell out with my support, I didn’t realise how much I needed the support. Sometimes, even though your mostly independent, there is a point where you have to admit that your life is probably less stressful with the support from services, that without. There are certain things that I can’t do on my own because of lack of confidence and anxiety. I won’t discuss them here because I don’t want my lack of abilities to be someone else’s entertainment. 

I feel that I must be open about who I really am. I’m not about to announce that my name is not my name etc. It’s more the fact my character is not how others have assumed. I put on a face to the world that makes me come across as cocky/cheeky and worldly wise. That’s actually nowhere where near that kind of persona. I feel that I can’t show my true self. I can go through a whole meeting or conversation not showing my true feelings or how badly something is affecting me. I can walk out there and go home or finish that conversation, then end up in complete floods of fears or bashing my head against the wall in complete distress. So, when people think I’m being flippant and not bothered, that isn’t the case. I have literally ended up throwing up through complete emotional distress. I can’t help that. I get overwhelmed so easily when it comes to conflict with others. I’m not able to deal with conflict. A form of conflict is having to listen to prosecution assumptions and manipulations in court too. I do not show my feelings in front of people. I suffer immensely in private.

I do not deserve these issues to be continued in court. And this is the reasons why. As previously stated, I wasn’t aware of anything that occurred behind my back for over 2 years. Those are things that I should have been told which could have prevented these issues happening. I was completely let down by the university and I do not feel that they should get away with not supporting my disability issues. Behavioural/Intellectual based disabilities are an impairment just like any other disability e.g wheelchair bound, blind, deaf etc. There was absolutely no effort to get to know me and a bias against the disciplinary route being taken. I know for a fact that the other person involved in this situation has used this to further their career. They didn’t care about what happened to me whatsoever, and they will see me in prison to get their own way and be seen as completely innocent in the whole situation. That is completely wrong and I should have listened to my intuition when it picked up their energy. They’re not loyal. They haven’t the ability to truly care, all they want to do is look good within their career enough to win awards and be seen as a good person to their friends. Sometimes, someones ‘friends’ never know the true person behind their friendship. If their friend was such a good person, then they wouldn’t have let all this happen and especially wouldn’t let this carry on when they knew that the other person was pushed into suicide a few months ago because of everything. They’re selfish because they think it was all about them. It wasn’t. It was because I can’t take any more which I don’t feel I deserve and all I wish for is peace and forgiveness (both of which I am not being given).

There is another confession that I must make because I’m sick of people assuming that I’m an awful person. I’m not an awful person. I am just simple and not very experienced socially. I have never socialised in my entire life. I may be chatty online etc but never been out with people to clubs, music festivals or anything else that people do when socialising. I don’t know how to socialise. I can’t do what I have never been in the position to learn. I would have loved to have had those experiences but unfortunately never got that chance. I honestly do not understand friendship etc because I’ve never had it. It is true that I have a child. But, I’ve only ever gone ‘there’ once. I’m practically a virgin!

This is a choice between me being seen as a sad or bad person. And I’d rather be seen as sad, rather than bad to others. I can’t help not having had the experience of social interaction. It’s never been by choice. It is how my life worked out. I have masked my lack of social experience. In the same way that I masked my lack of intellectual skills. When I’m online I look up words to use to make myself sound more intelligent than I am to make up for not having had the education I never got as a child. I have pretended to be so much more than I am after meeting others that I’ve liked. It’s time that I’m open about this because I’m fed up of people accusing me of being manipulative etc. I don’t even know how to do that. I am honestly like a child, that is no pretence. I have no idea how to be. The effects of my disability make it impossible to learn social things, because, quite frankly, if you’re not a child there is only a 20% chance that my brain can learn the things it’s missed out on at my age. It’s not me making excuses, it is psychology. I now have social phobia, which means that I cannot go out and do all the things I’ve missed.