I didn’t sleep at all last night. I managed to sleep today. But, that seriously screws up any sleep pattern. The truth is that I can’t carry things around that are in the air hanging anymore. The way that others have left things through stupid misunderstandings (well, in the end, it all came out and that is exactly what it was). I am literally finding it hard to face each day. I feel like because others have shown that they do not care (those that I truly cared about regardless how my disability part of me made me react), that it’s not worth me being alive anymore.
Every one has taken my hope away that I can never have what is important to me. I’m fed up of people acting like I’m being ridiculous and over sensitive. Others can’t just ‘click their fingers’ and demand I ‘get over’ everything. I feel like I was never given a chance. I had known other people 5 minutes and they’ve already judged me and decided I’m a ‘nothing’. I don’t think that it is fair because it takes me a while to really show who I am. And that’s not what they see when they first meet me. There are so many layers to me but because of my experiences and shyness, those layers have to be shed slowly. And that can’t happen if others are judging me straight away and proceeding to send me packing every single time. I was a friend. I was loyal behind other people’s backs. Any information that officials around us found out wasn’t from me. I was let down big time and it hurts that no one will admit that they did things wrong too. It wasn’t just me. I have to live with the guilt plastered on me and be punished for it when it wasn’t all me. I’ve taken the responsibility that others wanted me to. It still doesn’t move things forward to a future where there is any kind of hope of ever being friends with the people that I want.
I can’t help how things are affecting me. It’s not a choice like others seem to make out. I don’t like spending nights awake and when I manage to sleep having dreams about what has gone on. I can’t get rid of the frustration that I feel over everything seemingly being stuck like they are forever because of legalities etc. I punched the wall the other day and my hand still hurts because it was just too much to deal with for the indefinite period of time that officials have set it. And the way I was judged by others due to the case. It caused me a lot of issues behind the scenes. I lost job opportunities and was judged unfavourably by college risk assessment teams. This will never stop. It doesn’t even matter if I have more control of my disability traits, it won’t get me treated any better because I can’t get rid of it completely… especially when I reach meltdown point. I can never get others to understand the meltdown aspect because that is always when I’m going to lose people that are important to me. They’ll walk off because they will not understand. That is how it’s always been for the whole of my life.
I’m attempting to stop taking painkillers. I’ve run out at the moment (took the last one last night). I have been taking them to get through the day recently. I know that they’re contributing to my weight gain. It isn’t just that, they make my stomach sore and it is starting to hurt a lot right now. They also don’t help sleep patterns when taken in the evening because they have caffeine and codeine in them which keeps you awake alongside giving you a euphoric lift. They also make you intensely hungry (which also doesn’t help weight gain). I will probably fail because I am reliant on Solpadine now. I can feel the effects on my organs. And the withdrawal effects are quite horrible.
I saw a few triple and double numbers today. When I went for a walk I saw 222, 444, 555, 777, 1919 and 2121. I really do not like the number 555 or 1919. 555 means major life changes and 1919 means endings. I know that they can either be good or bad, but combined, whatever is going to happen is going to be quite a change. It’s only because I’ve had a lot more negative things happen in my life that these numbers make me quite anxious. 444 means angels are with you. 222 means to have faith everything happens for a reason and things will turn out the best for all in the long term. 777 means miracles can happen at this time. 2121 means that your thoughts are like seeds and are about to sprout things into reality, you must think positively and be grateful for things to go in the desired direction.