Fed up and tired!

I’m not trying to moan but it’s going to come out like that. I didn’t sleep all night because I’m resetting my sleep pattern ready to go back to my day time Maths classes. I rang up somewhere that was offering the BA (Hons) Psychology course during clearing. It’s annoying because I don’t quite have enough grades to get in. I’m not sure about doing Open University. I am currently making my decision. I am extremely tired. But, at the same time, I do not want to be seen as a failure to the outside world. I can’t go back to the other university (even though I’d have the grades to get in) because of everything that happened. I’m therefore stuck. I knew that it would be difficult for me to get the grades to get into the more academic university around here. It is irritating when you’ve obtained near the grade requirements but because of their criteria, it’s strictly you have or you haven’t got the requirements. Part of me (the tired part fraught with illness), hoped that they’d say no this year. I wanted to be ready, however, I knew that I actually wasn’t.

I looked at my stretch marks around my stomach earlier. I wish they weren’t there. They look like snakes underneath my skin. They have lost their colour, but still look absolutely awful. I actually got rid of them (lost a lot of weight after having my son) and now they’ve gone fatty due to weight regain. They look slightly less hideous when I’m not so tired as this. I’m also having that ‘monthly visit’ right now. I felt like someone was stabbing me in the guts yesterday. It is the first time in a long time that I’ve ever got cramps like that. I used to get them all the time before having my son. I also think that maybe because the nerves in that area had experienced childbirth and it is true that it is the worse, most intense pain ever. After that, a cramp probably feels like a pin prick. 

I wasn’t happy this morning when I literally got ‘mess’ on my sofa, car seat and on a pair of jeans. It’s not as bad now. I just worry in case one day I have something important on and I can’t attend because of the potential embarrassment. I have to consider this issue when joining any courses at college etc. I had the issue during my exams (the worse possible time to happen). It really does affect your performance when you suddenly get a cramp and an intense fear of potentially messing yourself in the middle of an exam. I felt really ill during my English exam last year. I think that I could have got more than a C if I hadn’t attempted to rush it because I felt so terrible I just wanted to get it done and out of there. It’s just something you have to ‘deal with’ because this is a thing that happens to us females and there aren’t allowances made due to the fact that it’s seen as a natural occurrence. Some of us do get them worse than others. If I had a full-time job, they would be extremely problematic for me. The majority of the time I am fine. But, for 3 days every month, I suffer with them. If those days happen to coincide with something that I’m doing, it completely makes it difficult. Then, now, my memory is starting to fail me. I have excellent long term memory (can remember whole conversations), but my short term memory is getting worse. I also get memory blocks. I know that I am already aware of what is in front of me (ie. an objects name or a person), however, I just cannot remember it. It comes back to me. But, it’s scary how your brain can literally ‘switch off’ when it feels like it. I just know that it’s going to flip into that mode when I’m doing my Maths and Law GCSE exams. I’m going to try to get extra time again because I wouldn’t have passed my Psychology or Sociology GCSE if I hadn’t managed to get it before. I find it difficult to process the information I need to put as an answer and write fast enough. 

Then, now, my memory is starting to fail me. I have excellent long term memory (can remember whole conversations), but my short term memory is getting worse. I also get memory blocks. I know that I am already aware of what is in front of me (ie. an objects name or a person), however, I just cannot remember it. It comes back to me. But, it’s scary how your brain can literally ‘switch off’ when it feels like it. I just know that it’s going to flip into that mode when I’m doing my Maths and Law GCSE exams. I’m going to try to get extra time again because I wouldn’t have passed my Psychology or Sociology GCSE if I hadn’t managed to get it before. I find it difficult to process the information I need to put as an answer and write fast enough (there are certain subjects like all these listed here that require those skills because they require a lot of information for answers).

I’ve now discovered and proved that my brain doesn’t ‘work’ like other people’s. However, it doesn’t mean that others should give up on me. I’ve noticed that in this society people don’t ‘work with each other’ in modern society. Instead, they are constantly ‘following the policy’ that is nearest to the issue that is at hand. I don’t like the way I’ve been treated. I don’t have disability traits that ‘follow a policy’. It requires patience, rather than punishment, to see what actually works. I don’t feel that I was ever given a proper chance. I’m basically written off because others don’t understand my disability (and they never will if they don’t experience it). I’ve asked for help for a long time. I now accept that it’s never going to come. I’m going to have to suffer until I’ve worked out my own issues enough to be able to ‘be normal’ in a way that others perceive as normal. I’m getting there. But, it is extremely hard on my own and feeling attacked for my mistakes that I have made for the rest of my life.

People give you a hard time or don’t speak to you like they somehow expect you to be able to change the past. That isn’t going to happen. I’ve got rid of the council and vulnerable adult status now because I found out what they’d been doing behind my back. I don’t need their input because it made things worse and I don’t think that things would have got to the stage that it did legally if there hadn’t been contracts shoved into the hands of others involved. I feel safer on my own. I don’t want that kind of privacy invasion going on behind my back. I have enough to deal with in regards to illness etc. I don’t need the councils ‘so called’ support. I wasn’t supported. I mean it as no disrespect to anyone. I just feel that if someone’s disability isn’t understood, then how on earth can they call it support? They obviously don’t understand it, otherwise, they’d have known that everything that went on behind my back (which I have found out about a few years down the line). They have absolutely no idea about my needs or my triggers. They didn’t assess me properly, just went by assumptions that were completely wrong.

I’m sick of being demonised by a system that doesn’t understand. It is very distressing. I need a peaceful existence, otherwise, I get anxious and my OCD kicks off. You punish someone if their behaviour is a choice. If it isn’t a choice, then punishment is not the right option. There is a huge difference between being unable to understand and function in a ‘normal’ way and being vindictive. I hold my hands up to emailing things in anger. I take responsibility for them. However, at that same time, I can categorically say that I was practically pushed to meltdown stage at that time. I hate myself every day for the venom like things I’ve said in meltdown anger.  I’m also a female and have hormones that do not help these situations. I would do anything to take those words back. I can’t though. I’m trying to change on my own because there is no support out there for my disability affects. I’ve been told that by my GP. I’m doing the best that I can without the resources. I’ve seen comments made by others on groups etc around here (and country wide -UK). A vast amount of them are in the same boat. They can’t get the help. They get a load of hassle from those that don’t understand and lose a hell of a lot of opportunities and people they cared about. They’ve been left broken and lives an empty shell. I know how that feels because I feel empty and broken every day. I don’t know how I get through the day sometimes. 

I’m sorry if I seem like a depressive sack of crap most of the time. I just get tired of being left behind. There are so many people doing well and living lives that I can only dream of because of my barriers. I’d be very useful in the mental health field because I am fairly intelligent and, more importantly, I understand things from an insiders perspective. That is something that these ‘book’ Psychologists don’t have. The lack of insider perspective and lack of funding combined (this is the area that I live in) is a complete recipe for disaster. I’ve found that all those Psychologists that have learned from books, rather than experience, fail those they’re supposed to support. I’ve had more damage inflicted on me by the system than I ever had support. I find it more stressful having so called support involved in my case. I’ve found things worse when there have been way too many people involved in my ‘support’. I am too overwhelmed by that. I need things kept simple. I’d rather deal with people directly, third parties cause things to be misunderstood and many messages do not get passed on to me. That has occurred many times and caused problems. Then I’m accused of not listening or ignoring ‘support’ when I know that I wasn’t told anything. I’m not saying that they didn’t tell me on purpose, maybe they ‘forgot’, but the message didn’t get passed on. 

It’s alright people saying, move forward and on from the past. But, how can those of us do that with disabilities that others don’t understand? The same things will just be thrown at us again and again because society (and the ignorance is rife in the county I grew up in) doesn’t understand and proceeds to label us criminal. Criminal because of how they perceive our disability traits. I know that I go on about it. But, others aren’t hearing us. This is obvious because things aren’t changing positively for people like myself or in my own case. I have explained it plain and simply how it is for people in my position and for myself. I just ask for some understanding. Those in wheelchairs can’t walk. Their legs do not function for whatever reason (many reasons due to different conditions). Just because people can’t see my disability, there is still a part of my brain that ‘can’t walk’. Is it really fair to punish someone or prosecute someone for ‘not being able to walk’? When I put it side by side, it makes it the same. There would be many many horrified people, most likely campaigning outside government buildings if they started prosecuting people for not being able to walk. The only reason that the outrage isn’t widespread in regards to those with autism, learning disabilities, mental health is basically that it can be swept under the carpet due to problems with the brain ‘not being able to walk’ being invisible. Local authorities and services aren’t held accountable for lack of support because an invisible illness cannot be measured. A physical issue can be seen and progress of it being repaired can be measured.