I’ve taken on another job today. A feedback volunteer with Fledglings. The creative mental health project which was set up in Scotland, but is now nationwide. It’s only voluntary. But, the more on my C.V and the more references I can get from volunteer roles, will lead me to a paid role at some point. Remember, I said that I wasn’t going to let others treat me like I’m a worthless nobody anymore. I did state my goal was to make those that have previously discounted me, will end up absolutely not being able to resist loving me when I’m done with my pursuit of all these levels of becoming a somebody.
I excuse the rather lame art drawing on the top of this blog at the moment. This is the only piece of art work I have on my laptop. It is not the best that I have ever done, art is one of my secondary talents (meaning it is kind of the second rate compared to those that excel in artistic endeavors). I’m literally throwing everything at the wall that I can possibly do and hope that it sticks so that I finally get the love and recognition that I deserve. I will work 24/7 (tiredness permitting) to prove that I never deserved to be ‘written off’.
I have done my exercises tonight (all I have to do is kick my lazy butt back to that Gym), so hopefully, I go down to the size I’m suppose to be. I need to stop eating at night because that is when fat tends to stick. But, then that makes the claim that you burn calories sleeping a complete and utter false fact. If that was true I’d be getting rid of the calories I’d eaten before going to sleep. It goes on the wrong areas, and being petite it makes it look worse. I need to go to get my eyebrows done properly because I can see where the other person messed them up now they’re starting to grow back into a shape. I’m never going to that place again because they literally burnt above my eye with the hot wax. I’ve never previously had an issue with that place. I used to have nail extensions there and never had a problem with that service. I now do my own nails because it gets expensive and not good for your nails underneath to have them on a long term basis. I have had my natural nails breaking, but they’ve been a lot better since I switched to gel based nail polish. They’re a lot stronger because the gel creates a hard coating (and doesn’t chip like regular polish). I do them myself now. I have black varnish on at the moment. I can’t grow my nails very long because I have cats and there’s always something to clear up or wash. I know that I could wear gloves but I’m just not a huge fan of them (probably sensory related due to my Aspergers part of me). I wore gloves when I had them done professionally but that was because I’d waste money if I didn’t protect them.
I keep telling myself that I’m going to start wearing makeup and ‘revamp’ my wardrobe to link to my new mature tastes (some of my clothes are things I can’t see myself wearing ever again). I have so many things to sell that I no longer need. It is just going to be a huge job sorting them all, either listing them online or taking them to a car boot. If I can’t sell them, then I’m just going to take them all to a charity shop. I may not get any money myself, but others will benefit. I have someone on my social network list that runs Sense over in the next town along from where I live.
I will not allow those people that have tried to discredit me for the first 30 years of my life to succeed with their lies. I do not care how much I have to do. I will run myself into the ground if I have to in order to prove that this is exactly what they’ve done. I cannot and will not accept the bullsh*t that I know has been going on in this area to me and others for many years. It is totally out of order and it takes one person to stand up in public and say NO to the established way of doing things. There is NOTHING moral about any decisions that have been made in my case (and most likely other vulnerable cases). I only ever desired LOVE and someone to CARE in my life. Instead, I have been made out to be some kind of monster. That is why I have been so open and honest out there. I want others to put the hate that they’ve been conditioned to feel for me aside and give me a chance. There is this whole aspect of selective acceptance, the authorities dish out the information and manipulate who gets accepted. They know that I stay in need if I am not loved because that is a need of mine that has to be fulfilled because I didn’t get it from my family growing up.
I refuse to be the one selected to be affectedly ‘left out’. Screw contracts (because I now know every single thing that has gone on behind my back). That is why I am refusing the vulnerable adult things on my name anymore. I cannot pursue my career until that is removed. I am sticking to my guns. I will not be making any concessions or agreements (I’ve already been legally forced into too many of them already)! I want to be loved and accepted.
This won’t happen if I wasn’t under the vulnerable adult crap. It is against my human rights to keep me on a legislative local authority clauses due to my diagnosis and vulnerable adult status when it’s causing me emotional distress due to the implications of having so called ‘do-gooders’ interfering in my life. I will come out of the clauses and then all the ‘contracts’ that professionals have signed in regards to me are void. I am then free. I desire freedom to be with others than I chose. I can’t do that under this system and that is why I have to come off of it.
I see others doing exactly what they want with who they want and they’ve got disabilities but they’re not under this shitty system that tears everyone important away from them. I’m not being given the services that I’m supposed to be entitled to. So, they’ve broken their own contract. When a contract is broken it is void and the other party can just argue that the local authority didn’t keep to their agreement so the working partnership has broken down, therefore the only option is to cease. I will never fulfill my quest to be loved and valued by others if I don’t fight to get out of the system.