I was completely triggered by a family member asking about what happened regarding the court case. There is absolutely no way that I can ever go near police stations or courts again. It sent me into a meltdown. The thought of those places made me pull smack myself in the head and screamed the place down. Everything that happened has been a whole misunderstanding. I didn’t know half of what happened until three years down the line. It isn’t in my best interests to force me into a setting that sends me into a meltdown at the thought. I can’t even talk about the subject without it seriously affecting me mentally. It will send me into a breakdown if I’m forced into that setting. It isn’t right that I have explained my disability. I was completely honest and I’m being ripped apart by a system that refuses to work with my disability.
If that had happened, then none of this would have happened. Since I lost my son just before all this kicked off, I have been constantly on edge. I was told to trust everyone at that university and be honest. That has made me look like a completely awful person. I’m not the awful person here. I don’t care what anyone’s friends portray. I know that I was used by the other person involved. Use me and then drop me and because my OCD couldn’t do it, punish me. I have worked so hard in all aspects of my life. However, others still are hell bent on torturing me for disability related occurrences. In the summer holidays alone, I have participated in 6 courses on various social skills topics. I did this all through my own efforts. There’s no help in the system.
I’m exhausted and feel that my efforts will never be good enough for others to just lay off me. I won’t ever be ‘normal’. I don’t have a ‘normal brain’. I am fed up of being punished for my disability traits; my disability is not a choice. I wouldn’t have made the choices that I did if I’d been fully informed throughout the whole situation. I shouldn’t be the one scapegoated because everyone involved made errors. I’m not even wanting others to get punished. I just want peace. I long for peace more than anything in the world. This has affected me so much that I do not want to socialise. That is half the reason why I’m opting to work during the nights now, rather than the days. I feel humiliated and extremely hurt by all that I’ve been subjected to due to the whole situation. I don’t think that I will get over it. The thought of court makes me meltdown and smack my head and even nearly pulled out my hair earlier.