I apologise that I am not replying to emails unless absolutely necessary at this moment in time. For example – to pick up my distance learning assignment (GCSE Law) – I got 78 out of 100. I no longer have my former email because I needed a new start. I can’t possibly chat to others on my college email because personal communications are frowned upon. I’m on Facebook, but I’ve set my chat settings to appear offline when I’m not on my laptop. I had my iPhone trying to tell everyone that I was available when I wasn’t. I do not like being disturbed when I’m walking or doing everyday things in my life.
I may have done a lot of courses to ‘catch-up’, however, now I know more about the world and the humans that inhabit it are like… I have no desire to be a part of any of it. I just do not want to know. I have listened to many trolls and those that want to try to destroy me because they do not understand my disability. They’ve got away with saying those things to me, yet I have got hauled up for trying to stick up for myself after the way I was treated. It is deeply unfair and that is why I’m cutting myself off from anyone that could hurt me. I’d rather be alone than letting myself be subjected to what I already have been in my life. Others get away with laying into me and punishing me for my disability because they cannot see it and can put it under law-breaking to justify their cruelty against me.
If others had been supportive and constructive, rather than destructive and uncooperative, then those perceptions wouldn’t have materialised. I did better emotionally when my Dad was alive because he understood my disability. The approach that consists of having a go at me and making demands so that I end up sensory overloaded is not appropriate ‘treatment’ of my disability. Then I flip out because it is just too intense for me. I feel the odd one out in my family now. I’m intellectual and no one else is on that level. I honestly don’t feel like I belong. Other intellectual types don’t accept me because of my learning disabilities alongside. I act thick at times due to lack of understanding.
This is honestly the first time in my life where I actually want to be alone. I no longer crave friendship because I just want to avoid cruelty. The only way you can guarantee that is to not go out and be around people. I am of the opinion now, that everyone I trust is going to end up looking at me negatively for my disability traits and putting me into court and making me suffer emotionally to the point of torture. I can’t go through that emotional torture anymore because it’s ripped me apart. I care about others and that makes it worse. I’m a lot more understanding and would never do that to another person regardless of my professional position. I believe there are many other options than the easy one of getting the police involved. However, I understand mental health, Aspergers and learning disabilities. That is why I would like to teach others about it. I may not be able to go out. But, I’m hoping that others will read my articles on the site/blog etc.
I am extremely tired. This isn’t a normal tired. I’m sure there are others that do not suffer this think I’m being ridiculous. It feels like someone has a ton of bricks on top of me. It takes so much effort for me to move, let alone go out. I’m trying my best to go to the Gym but that is getting harder. I did go the other night, but I did everything in short bursts, rather than consistently. I’m not in the best mood right now because being tired all the time makes a person cranky ok. I certainly will not be suffering fools gladly at the moment. I will not be the patient or a good listener right now. I need to be alone. This might last a very long time because I may never get over what has happened.
4 responses to “Tired. I need time alone, please.”
Dad’s understand everything like mums too, sorry you lost your dad, congratulations on your law GCSE, keep posting if you can
It’s not my final grade, just assignment 1
I think when you are alone in a replenishing way you will appreciate the constructive people even more, Em.
I like sleeping a lot at the moment.