I excuse the fact that I have borrowed a slogan from family guy, but I thought it was appropriate for this entry. These are the things that ‘really grind my gears’. In proper English, these are the things that completely annoy me about everything that has happened. I’m frustrated for a reason, not because I feel like ‘throwing my dummy out of the pram’ for the sake of finding fault with what actions others have taken. I am losing my memory more and more. So I think that it is wise that I say how I feel now before I can no longer fully convey it. I literally keep forgetting names that are familiar to me now and that is very unusual for me. I know that in general, some people are like that without having progressive issues, but I know that it is highly unusual for me to ever forget names. I even forgot that I put the washing machine on and stripped my bed covers before going out today.
Others do not listen to my point of view or even try to ‘work with the symptoms of my condition’. They just ‘demand’ that I make my brain do something that is difficult or I am ‘rejected’ or ‘thrown out’. That is not reasonable adjustments under the Disability and Equality Act merger 2010. I have a disability that is pervasive, substantially affecting my ability to function in a social capacity and is long term (because it is for life). If things had been handled appropriately. In a not so ‘heavy handed manner’ by security staff (who had absolutely no understanding of disability, just went by rules and regulations). Those with a disability should never be made to feel attacked. That is how I felt, so after everything happened and I got kicked out when I was open and upfront about my lack of abilities. That is why I kicked back at the person who I felt promised me things would be okay and then proceeded to betray me.
I know there are many people out there that think I’m an awful person for what happened. I was only protecting myself because I thought that I had been setup by the other person. I never knew the other details back then because obviously they were hidden from me. It is not right to call me awful things and be awful to me for getting frustrated and angry, then feeling that I had to launch it at someone to protect myself. I may have liked the other person. But, I trust no one whatsoever. After all the things I’ve recently found out recently, that proves I have a valid reason not to trust anyone else. I really wanted to stay at the university. It was an extremely important thing for me. The way things have been left means I’ll never be able to hope to have what I wanted back then, in the future. I may have said that I wanted to get into the more academic university in the city (the other one), but I’d chose the other one any day. If the circumstances could be right at some point. Now the legal avenues have made that an impossibility.
This all wouldn’t have happened if we’d all negotiated, rather than sticking to our own points/agendas. I hold my hands up and admit that I was in no fit state to do that at that time. I didn’t realise how ‘all over the place’ my head was after losing my son to adoption. I was trying to carry on as normal because that is what I thought was expected of me. But, nothing was normal after that trauma. I fought for him for a year and was on edge emotionally by the time I got into university. I have done a lot more learning now (courses etc). I’ve filled in my gaps and I know where it all went wrong. There are those that believe in the theory of ‘a leopard never changes its spots’. That isn’t the case in here. I never had learned the ‘spots’ to begin with. I was truly too thick in many ways because I’d a lot of gaps in my education and socialisation (which you also get from attending school). I still prefer to be who I am. But, I can attempt to meet others half way now. As long as they attempt to meet me halfway and I’m not the one having to make all the concessions because that is not fair. I feel like this is what’s being done to me now. I’m the one having to sacrifice the future that I want because others want what they want and refuse to compromise. I don’t want to be forced to live a lie anymore. In all honesty, there is no possible fairness to ‘leaving things as they stand’. It frustrates me because I’m not where I want to be. And for what reason? Mostly, because others couldn’t work together and negotiate. I was the one that ended up losing what meant a huge amount to me due to their lack of ability to do that.
Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 