I would first like to point out that I may not be as forgiving as a person like I assumed. I did a little exercise on myself today. I put myself in the hypothetical scenario that I had managed to ‘pull off the impossible’ and this is a highly optimistic hope given how things are right now. It was to see how I would react to the other person involved if things were sorted and I went back to do the degree that I wanted to do in the first place. I imagined in my head that I was talking to them, but I couldn’t talk to them because I turned away and felt cold. I certainly can’t ever forgive them for everything that has happened. The inner me certainly doesn’t want to forgive them by how I subconsciously reacted in my visualisation.
I wish that I was ready to forgive, but I’m not. That is not like me because I’ve always been such a forgiving person. I would forgive others for hurting me because I told myself it wasn’t their fault for how they reacted to things they didn’t understand. There is some reason why I can’t bring myself to be like that anymore. The main reason is probably that all my life I’ve just wanted others to see that I’m talented behind all the problems that come with me. To feel supported and encouraged without rejection due to my bad traits. That is something that no one I’ve ever liked has ever done.
I have complete strangers telling me that I am so expressive and talented at writing. I’ve been in education and this was just ignored. I would completely change if someone decided to nurture me and was in the position to take me places that I could only ever dream of reaching. There are so many of us with behaviour problems that get them due to never having their talents nurtured and being left to their own devices growing up. All those that are successful with a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome or Autism are those that have been encouraged and had others believing in them at every step of their journey. I never had that. I was basically written off at school and thrown on the scrap heap when they labelled me a criminal as I reached adulthood (it didn’t matter that the system had refused to help me, but I will be getting onto this in more detail in the next paragraph).
You know how I said I was like a dog with a bone when it came to injustice? Well, I have been tracing my own case right back to the beginning. I always firmly believed that I did not deserve the negative label that has been put on my name. There was just one police officer involved when I was a youngster and I found out that they had taken a very special interest in my case over a number of years collecting evidence together in order to gain their conviction targets when I reached my 18th birthday. I actually got hold of those conviction targets but was made to ‘lose them’ because I was taken to a secure unit when I tried to get the message out that they were targeting those with problems to meet those targets. I was only 17 at this point. I was very headstrong and wanted that information to be public knowledge so that others didn’t get targeted for the conviction targets.
I found records of others being warned off not to help me by this officer because I was ‘too dangerous’. I had to be diagnosed by an out of area team because this officer had encouraged everyone not to work with me. I was moulded to be labelled a criminal because of being a young person with very little family input and being extremely naive believing everything that I was told. I was targeted by one of those in authority that abused their power. They knew that I was a weak, defensive, very backward child (despite physically looking like a teenager). I heard them make fun of me to all their police officer mates whilst I was in the cell just before I was sentenced and sent away.
In fact, I saw this person driving passed me in their 4×4 vehicle the other day. They looked at me and they never normally do… this was about the same time I found out that the crown prosecution service had added charges to my name in relation to the case that is outstanding. This is another reason why I refuse to back down. I hear that the person works for the local CPS now. They’ll set me up again if I do back down by cooperating with the proceedings which I do not deserve. I wouldn’t be surprised if this person is involved behind the scenes in my support telling the other person not to speak to me and being completely unsupportive to me. They may not be directly involved, however, they have links with the local council too so they could have whispered in the ears of a psychologist that was very nasty to me behind the scenes (despite attending meetings with the universities mental health manager during ‘negotiations’ before the I was sent down the disciplinary route).
It all makes sense now. The fact that no one I trusted has believed me. Now I’ve published everything that I’ve pieced together, I do hope that they start to see I’m a good person that’s been labelled and pushed into meltdowns due to how I have been treated. I refuse to let others treat me like that anymore.