I need to state my boundaries (this is really hard, so please no awful comments).

I was reading about the backlash surrounding Colin Pitchfork’s release into the community. I am of the agreement that murdering two young girls along with what he was supposed to have done to them equals that he is evil and will never be rehabilitated. I wasn’t born when these murders happened. I don’t like to comment on the atmosphere around Leicestershire at the time he was free and not caught after committing those murders. I only know what I’ve heard from those older than myself that remember when it happened. I can only go by what those that are older than me have told me about that time.

I’m not writing this post to upset anyone. I just want to point a few things out. I feel for the both of the girl’s families and friends. It wasn’t fair that he carried out these evil acts and took the lives of their loved ones. I have signed the petition that is requesting he must stay behind bars for the rest of his life. I do hope that it works, but I am doubtful because if he meets the criteria of rehabilitation then he is likely to be released regardless of how resistant the public opinion may be. I’m sorry if anyone thinks I’m being negative and unsupportive. However, I’m purely pointing out the factual reality of the system here. It’s certainly not fair, but our system doesn’t make anything fair.

I would like to talk about the criminal label in general. This is where I am stating my boundaries because I feel that certain things need to be said. I have listened to others point of view. Now it’s time for me to explain mine. I’m well aware that some people think I’m scum due to things that have happened. I used to be a very quiet person (apart from in writing, but this was to cover my shyness) and I would never stick up for myself. I couldn’t express myself and even when I did it was completely disastrous. I desperately want everything to be repaired that has gone terribly wrong. The only way to do that is, to be honest. I know that honesty kind of got me into this mess too. But, it’s swings and roundabouts here. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it gets me into trouble all the time. This is the only way I know how to be, I can’t help being a passionate person. I just have to put everything into all that I do and every relationship that I have. That doesn’t make me an awful person like I have been labeled. I have tried and tried to make others see what I need them to see. Maybe I am still young and naive (most of the people I know are older than me so they think of me in that way), but why should life be so dull and systematic? 

I may have got labeled as a criminal, but I am by no means evil like the guy above. I didn’t know any better. I don’t have some of the skills that other people do my age.  I am socially backward and that is something I have never had any control over. I’m not weird. I see things completely differently and innocently compared to the general population. Yes, I would gladly ‘walk off’ with anyone I decided that I liked regardless of the situation and even if they showed their not so pleasant side. I’d forgive them because I am that kind of person. Some would call it stupid. I would call it being forgiving. I may still be angry at certain others for their actions. But, I believe that life is far too short to not be forgiving if things changed in the future. I am aware that there are others who think I’m a fool too. I may have been a fool when I assumed that I was in love (not that I ever have truly felt love, it is more like I desired to feel like someone cared about me), but I’m still young and extremely inexperienced compared to others my age. I have a lot of male friends (just friends I assure you, and this is the way it stays) and there is one that tells me that I will never be able to proper friends with another female. I am apparently ‘too different’. I don’t see myself as different. We all have different perspectives though. I would like to get onto some of the comments that have been made to me

I would like to get onto some of the comments that have been made to me. I am by no means trying to start an argument about who is in the right and who is in the wrong. I have had others call me a vile person and imply that I’m pure evil for things that have happened over the last couple of years. I find those comments hurtful and they were a factor in reaching the point where I felt like the only option was to end my life. I want no comments made on this post saying these things again. This is hard for me to say on a public platform because I’m opening up a side to me that I keep hidden behind my behavioural problems. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I’ve never said this before (well at least I cannot remember saying it), but I have cried myself to sleep at night for a very long time because of the guilt I feel for the things I’ve said in anger to someone who will always mean a lot to me (but I mean nothing to them, they don’t care, illustrated by ongoing proceedings). Others may call me scum, vile, evil or anything along them lines. However, they do not know the whole story behind all the situation. I don’t think either side knows everything. There are huge gaps that will always remain in our knowledge.

I was pushed to say what I said. The nasty threats I made was out of character. I did say above that I’m a very passionate person and that comes out when I’m angry and I’ve always been frustrated because I cannot communicate like neurotypicals. Even when I try to, no one listens to me because my opinion doesn’t matter as a vulnerable adult. I still have feelings and then I get punished for being hurt. University was hugely important to me. Everyone around me acted like my hopes and dreams meant nothing. How can someone not build up anger and frustration in that situation? Those threats and everything else dodgy I’ve ever said during that situation has been said in Autistic meltdowns brought on by the stress of everything. I can’t function when I get stressed. I literally cannot think straight. Everything gets jumbled and whatever comes out of your mouth or brain, in general, is a disaster. I mentioned in the previous entry that my Aspie special interest is tackling injustice. That didn’t help any of the situations that I’ve ever been punished for in my life. 

I do not think that it is fair that a person who commits murder (multiple in this case) is going to be released into the community and allowed a new identity. That identity won’t have his record on it, therefore he could get a job anywhere. Those of us that have been labeled for problems relating to their mental health etc don’t get that luxury. We are stuck unemployed and being judged time and time again when we are open with others. I find that when I do not tell people about my past and issues that they treat me better. They don’t make a preconceived image of me which is negative in their heads. Then anything that I do, they automatically see as negative, I then get punished rather than supported and things are dealt with so awfully that things just escalate to the point where there is so much pain involved that any good feelings there ever used to be at one point are buried. I have always been failed by the system. 

I go to the GP and get told that there are no services around here funded for my problems. They’re literally handing over people with forms of mental illness over to the police around here. That is the dark truth that no one wants to hear. They would rather blame individuals, like me, for who they are, rather than admit that they have issues as a county that they’re not addressing. I’ve begged for help. I want to be different because I long to be loved… and no one is going to love me as the person I am now. I lose everyone that I feel comfortable around because I’m not good enough or meet their requirements of not being annoying. It’s utterly heartbreaking for me.  

One thought on “I need to state my boundaries (this is really hard, so please no awful comments).

  1. I don’t think you are evil…you seem very sweet and emotional but honest (very much like me)…and misunderstood by those around you (also very much like me)..sending love your way…you are strong…keep fighting and speaking your mind!

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