The whole of my day has revolved around socialising (after I got up, I slept a lot today because I haven’t been able to sleep at night for the last few days). Therefore, I thought that this entry should be about just that. It actually relates well to my disability and what I would like to educate others about. I made an effort to go the Gym today. It feels so hard after weeks of not attending to do harder types of exercise. I’ve walked miles sometimes, however, it isn’t the same. I can feel an ache in my leg now after getting home. That is only tiny compared to the day after aches that I normally experience. It’s good aches though. It makes you feel like you’ve achieved something, rather than ache because your health problems are kicking off. The Gym has Sainsbury’s next door to it. This is the only local supermarket with a choice of vegetarian food. The supermarkets nearer to me have such little choice when it comes to vegetarian food. I pop next door to take advantage of that every time I’m over at the Gym.
It takes a huge amount of fighting social anxiety to walk into a room full of people (which is the Gym). I’m going to have to keep doing that as I’ve committed myself to some meet ups. I have one in the city cafe bar type place tomorrow night (need to find it after my therapy appointment tomorrow so I know where I’m going). That is a speaker group. I’m learning to speak and overcome my shyness in front of those I’m speaking too. I then have committed myself to a social anxiety group. This is an evening meet up, however, there is no venue yet. That is on next week. Then there is a spiritual group during the day within the city in a meeting house which I have said I’ll go to. The hardest thing is getting yourselves there and walking in. I’m okay once I’m there. It’s just getting myself to go to a place to socialise. I’ve not been out in a long time due to the things that have happened, therefore it is difficult. But, I’m going to have to lead by example. If I’m trying to carry on with life and forget the past, then others will do that too. I will eventually be accepted and let into things that I am at present excluded from. I did say earlier that I am prepared to teach others to love me. That may be naive thinking, however, nothing is impossible.
I have also got myself referred to the mental health part of the adult college that I attend in the city. I’m going back to do my level 1 in Maths (at the mainstream part). I had to be referred by a professional. I asked a professional to do that for me. The main objective for me trying to get into that part of the college was learning to cook. I have always somehow managed to get by in regards to being able to know enough to eat healthily. But, it is so much healthier to be able to cook from scratch and actually make a meal… rather than putting veg with some already made up vegetarian Quorn product. They also do many forms of Art (pottery, painting, drawing, print making, music and performing arts etc), there is a social group for people with the same condition as myself, change your mind course, creative writing etc. Those are just the ones that I’d consider. There are sports etc, but I’m not a sporty person. I was told by my niece that I should try Tinder. Well, I can honestly say I’m ‘swiping left’ on that idea. I don’t even like the thought of internet dating. I really do not think technology should take over old fashioned socialising. It’s not a natural way to communicate and to be quite honest, I may like using the internet because I grew up when it was taking shape. However, there are limits to what should be done on the internet. We shouldn’t avoid go out and live in the real world because that’s boring. We are born to live life to the full in whatever circumstances are around us.
I was told by my niece that I should try Tinder. Well, I can honestly say I’m ‘swiping left’ on that idea. I don’t even like the thought of internet dating. I really do not think technology should take over old fashioned socialising. It’s not a natural way to communicate and to be quite honest, I may like using the internet because I grew up when it was taking shape. However, there are limits to what should be done on the internet. We shouldn’t avoid go out and live in the real world because that’s boring. We are born to live life to the full in whatever circumstances are around us. I know that it is difficult to live a life out there away from the crutch of the internet. I have extreme social anxiety made worse by how I’ve been treated by others for my difficulties. The key is at least trying, even if you fail miserably. And, can I make it clear that if I find someone has signed me up to Tinder then I will be quite annoyed.
In regards to relationships in general. I am happy single. I have no desire to date. When I do finally have a partner, I do not want it to a no strings attached fun kind of thing. I want it to be deep and meaningful. The type of love that lasts for a lifetime, not a season. I would strive for stability because that is my priority. I’ve never really had stability, that is why when I finally settle with someone that is what I would want.
It occurred to me today that I am recycling information to try to educate others about mental illness, Asperger Syndrome and Learning Disability dual diagnosis. The problem with this tactic is that it isn’t tailor made to just focus on parts that affect those with this dual diagnosis. The Autistic Spectrum is quite widespread anyway. There are many mental illness symptoms and different aspects of learning disabilities. I’m not sure how I am to disregard the parts that I do not want to educate people on. Mainly because there is a lot more awareness of straight forward Aspergers, mental illness and learning disabilities. The concept of dual diagnosis is rather new. While there has been leaps and bounds in regards to awareness and understanding of the conditions above. But, those of us with dual diagnosis are losing out due to others not seeing us the same as another they know with the same label.
I’m the type of person who can either really like someone a lot or have no interest whatsoever. I have been so cruel when letting guys down. Some of these guys are friends now. They understand that I just cannot like them in that way. I cannot hold back when someone has upset me. I’m very straight forward in that respect. There will be no question whether someone has upset me. I’ve met a lot of eccentric adults who have always had difficulties in their lives whom I am sure would come under the dual diagnosis umbrella. I want to take away the fear of things related to how dual diagnoses make us act, that people do not understand and create comfort because I’m willing to explain aspects to the public.