I just feel….ughhh!

I really cannot do anything anymore. The last two days I’ve spent in bed because I’m that tired! I have no energy whatsoever. I really want to go back to the Gym. However, I virtually only have enough energy to get up and do bits around the flat which needs doing at this moment in time. I wanted out of everything, so I’m barely even going for a walk. I feel that I am in desperate need of this time to myself because I never took time off when I lost my son. I decided to carry on and look where this led me. I ended up trying to go to university and getting screwed over even more by others that I trusted because mentally I was too weak to stand on my own two feet. I am tearful. I hate maturity because it is a painful process. I’ve realised that I spent most of my life loving others who couldn’t care less about me. None of them are in my life today. I wanted friends and I had to pay the price of losing my son because a few of them backstabbed me due to pure jealousy. They were users and abusers but I just couldn’t see it. I was even let down by paid support because no one has ever truly looked out for me.

I think back to school. That is a preview of the life you’re going to have. In my case, I was the student that no one believed in. The fact that society has labeled me severely disabled illustrates that is the general consensus. I would have loved to have been one of those ‘wonder children’ that get the support of everyone around them. They get helped up the ladder and loved by their teachers and other professionals. Favoritism is very real in schools, colleges, and universities. Those of us that were seen as not academic or talented (in sports especially) were given nothing compared to those that were seen in those categories. I get so wound up that I couldn’t be seen in those categories so I got loved and given opportunities. That would have made me as a person.

Instead, because I was born with Asperger Syndrome and associated learning difficulties, this is an area where powerful individuals and organisations are too ignorant to see behind the surface of someone with difficulties. It has always been the same here. Unless you were perfect growing up, any talents you may have possessed was ignored and subsequently pushed aside. There were no reasonable adjustments made unless you were physically disabled (and back in my school days that was few and far between) and you were subsequently seen as a problem because you weren’t able to be normal and bright like some of the other students. 


One thought on “I just feel….ughhh!

  1. I have the same problem I cannot find trust worthy people… life is hard enough without people stabbing you in the back.


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