I’m worried.

I’m very worried about the future of the case against me. I really want it dropped because that is what I need. It has been established that I was completely let down by all involved and literally handed over to the police. Yes, I may have been a nightmare but it was never intentional. I don’t understand things and I was never supported to be able to understand things. These actions are not going to help me to understand things if I do not have the capabilities and it is certainly not going to change me. Autism isn’t bad behaviour. I am aware that other people don’t understand that. However, it is the truth. I don’t know how to make and keep friends. That is certainly not a choice. I have to fake social skills. I don’t go out there to learn them because of my experiences. I don’t like being resented by others for not knowing how to act socially. I’ve had people coming out with all sorts of attitudes towards me recently. They don’t understand my condition, just lay into me for upsetting one of their friends. It’s not helping matters. Since they’ve started getting involved, I had more charges added to my name. I don’t think it’s a coincidence. I think that people, much older than me, have been collaborating and trying to stitch me up into more trouble.  Others are refusing to accept that my brain doesn’t work like theirs. I find things some things extremely difficult, which others find comes naturally.

Autism isn’t bad behaviour. I am aware that other people don’t understand that. However, it is the truth. I don’t know how to make and keep friends. That is certainly not a choice. I have to fake social skills. I don’t go out there to learn them because of my experiences. I don’t like being resented by others for not knowing how to act socially. I’ve had people coming out with all sorts of attitudes towards me recently. They don’t understand my condition, just lay into me for upsetting one of their friends. It’s not helping matters. Since they’ve started getting involved, I had more charges added to my name. I don’t think it’s a coincidence. I think that people, much older than me, have been collaborating and trying to stitch me up into more trouble.  Others are refusing to accept that my brain doesn’t work like theirs. I find things some things extremely difficult, which others find comes naturally. I don’t feel that I’ve done wrong because my brain communicates in the way that it does naturally. People can tell me they don’t like how I communicate all they want, but it will certainly make no difference to the limited skills that I have socially due to my brain being wired differently. 

Others are refusing to accept that my brain doesn’t work like theirs. I find things some things extremely difficult, which others find comes naturally. I don’t feel that I’ve done wrong because my brain communicates in the way that it does naturally. People can tell me they don’t like how I communicate all they want, but it will certainly make no difference to the limited skills that I have socially due to my brain being wired differently. I long for a best friend. I get into obsessive modes where I really want to strive for that goal. After everything I’d been through with my son’s adoption etc, I was crying out for someone to call a best friend. I never wanted all that happened or what is still set to continue. I don’t need all that. I’m trying so hard to explain things so that others will understand. I cared more about that other person than their friends give me credit for. I never wanted to hurt them. I didn’t only attempt suicide because I couldn’t mentally take the court proceedings.

I also was ripped apart with guilt when I found out things I’d never previously known. I wish that people would have told me how I was affecting the other person way back, but I never was told details. I close my eyes at night and I can’t sleep because it torments me that I hurt them. I see myself torturing them in my head and that is tormenting for me. I look an awful person. But if I’d have known then things wouldn’t have materialised as they have done. Now things can never be repaired. I can’t handle being disliked by the other person for life either. I have let them go. But, I always have hope. And I need that hope. So if any of their friends give me nasty comments for always hoping I get a chance in the future, then they can save it. I do not want to hear it. I need the hope that after my therapy, I may be able to at least be friends with the other person.