I’m not okay!

I know that people will think I’m pathetic. But, I’m really not okay. Mentally I’m giving up now I’ve let go of the other person. I don’t feel hopeful anymore. The future just seems like some blank blackness right now. I’m not my normal self. I’ve not even been for a walk in two days. I’ve never been like that. This shows that I’m truly cut up over everything and not over playing things when I say that I am truly broken hearted. I’ve given up hope on a potential developing friendship that was really important to me because I’m practically being forced into a corner to surrender and not resist to what the other person states are their wishes. That is something I don’t want to do on a long term basis. I know that I am not seen in the most positive of lights by the other person after what has happened. I’m not stupid. But, I would like a chance to get myself together in terms of behaviour and revisit a potential friendship with them in the future. I can’t do this for me. I need the support of others and know that I have their acceptance if I’m successful at establishing a change of behaviour. I feel that I am the one being demanded to make all the concessions at the expense of my own mental well-being. I have tried so hard to try to forget my hurt and heart break over having to let go of someone I felt a connection to almost instantly when I met them (this comes with being naturally intuitive to the energy of others etc). I don’t get that very often. I believe that if I do then I’m meant to meet the other person for whatever reason. That reason has obviously been fulfilled now because I’ve virtually stopped seeing all those number patterns. I saw 2121 tonight and 77.7 on my cars mileage clock. However, before it was every time I walked out the door… repeated numbers, repeated numbers, repeated numbers always in my face everywhere.  Car number plates, Houses, Bins… the list is long. 

I know that I am not seen in the most positive of lights by the other person after what has happened. I’m not stupid. But, I would like a chance to get myself together in terms of behaviour and revisit a potential friendship with them in the future. I can’t do this for me. I need the support of others and know that I have their acceptance if I’m successful at establishing a change of behaviour. I feel that I am the one being demanded to make all the concessions at the expense of my own mental well-being. I have tried so hard to try to forget my hurt and heart break over having to let go of someone I felt a connection to almost instantly when I met them (this comes with being naturally intuitive to the energy of others etc). I don’t get that very often. I believe that if I do then I’m meant to meet the other person for whatever reason. That reason has obviously been fulfilled now because I’ve virtually stopped seeing all those number patterns. I saw 2121 tonight and 77.7 on my cars mileage clock. However, before it was every time I walked out the door… repeated numbers, repeated numbers, repeated numbers always in my face everywhere.  Car number plates, Houses, Bins… the list is long. 

That reason has obviously been fulfilled now because I’ve virtually stopped seeing all those number patterns. I saw 2121 tonight and 77.7 on my cars mileage clock. However, before it was every time I walked out the door… repeated numbers, repeated numbers, repeated numbers always in my face everywhere.  Car number plates, Houses, Bins… the list is long. I’m glad that it’s not happening like that anymore. It literally was driving me absolutely crazy. I cannot say that I am okay though.

I cannot say that I am okay though. This is because I do not think I will be for a long time. I’ve tried to do my work for college, distance learning etc. I cannot do it. I went to the supermarket in my car because I needed petrol and a few bits of food supplies. I’m not eating a lot (which makes it a cheaper grocery shop). I’m taking painkillers like sweets. They take the edge of the heartbroken feelings and numb me enough so that I don’t spend all day crying over everything. I’ve got no desire to go the gym whatsoever. I find the idea of a walk far too much right now. I feel that everything is just far too much for my sensory system right now. I don’t even like cool air touching the skin on my arms when I have a t shirt on. I am broken and I’m still going to have to go through the legal things. I really can’t deal with that on top. I know that the other person most likely wasn’t trying to hurt me. But, this is what they’ve done. I was an annoying nightmare but that wasn’t intentional on my part towards them. They probably don’t believe that, but it’s the truth. And this is why I want to change so that I can get rid of that part of me. Then they’ll see the real me that is kind and caring underneath, minus the anger and OCD traits.