I am trying to be positive.

Look, I know that I may seem like a miserable git most of the time. But, I’m not trying to be. I am just trying to get my point across and explain how I feel about everything. I don’t feel like anyone has listened to me. And, quite honestly, others don’t get to decide whether they hurt me or not. They did hurt me because I felt extremely hurt and let down by the events that occurred. I keep obsessively wishing that things had been different because I was completely let down. I can’t help the way I feel. I’m trying to move on, but it’s difficult. Yes, I’m inclined to give up the other person at this point. But, it’s going to take me years to get over being so let down. I don’t want to be hated forever because of stupidity on my part due to my naivety. It’s about me not wanting to be punished for life. That’s how I’ve perceived this whole situation. I didn’t mean to upset the other person and their forgiveness would mean a lot to me. I am frightened of courts. I want to avoid this path if possible.

I’ve been for a walk today. This is more than I’ve done for a few days. I also did some exercises. All I need to do now is push myself back to the Gym. I’m going to make myself up a schedule. I was enjoying the college break. It was okay for a few weeks but then I started to get bored. I need some form of a routine back. When I was in a residential home, all the service users had a routine. It works to get life back on track. I am still going to private therapy next week. I only said I couldn’t be bothered because I was highly irritated by everything. I saved the money up so I’m not going to back out at this point. I can’t now because the appointment is booked and everything. I want to get over my problems and I’m not getting any proper assistance from the NHS services. I’m not ready to go out and socialise again yet. But, I’m hoping that this comes with time. 

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