I’ve decided that I’m going to teach myself everything I need to know. There are people that are hell bent on telling me that my disability is a choice. I am aware that it isn’t, but I still need to try to prove my point one way or another. I am doing a free online course on negotiation skills and conflict resolution. I have zero skills in that department. The only chance I really have to ‘become normal’ is to fake normal. There is no other way that I’m going to be able to do it. I don’t want to be a fake person. However, I need to trick my brain into some kind of normal functioning. I really want to become someone that others will naturally love me. I then won’t have to fight for those I want in my life to like me and actually stay in my life.
I’d just like to mention that I have heard certain comments made about me to a male friend of mine. They told me what someone had said to them. Something about I’d only want a boyfriend to have another baby. That isn’t true at all. I have no desire to have a boyfriend (even though I have a few male friends who would love to take that position). I also have no desire to have any more children. I’ve been there and done that. I couldn’t go through that all again. And, I’m really not Mother material. I realised that the first time around.
This may sound a very strange comment but I no longer see myself as a gender bias. I was born female. I identify as female and subsequently desire to look feminine. However, I see myself as gender neutral. I’m not a stereotypical woman. I’ve never had any desire whatsoever to get married. I was undecided about children but this happened. I am no longer able to have anything to do with my son and he was adopted by another family, therefore I class myself as never having had children. It’s less painful this way. I am at the point where I’m going to take my sons photos down (the ones in my home) and put them away. Then pretend that this part of my life never existed. It was a huge mistake to ever go down that road.
I have a lot of male friends. Other females don’t tend to gel well with me. I’d love a female best friend. However, I’m not socially programmed to get on well with other females. I hope to change that by doing the work above. There are a lot of females who have Asperger Syndrome that does have a predominately male brain. I was brought up surrounded by a lot of male orientated interests. For example: As a child, I was encouraged to be interested in Thomas the Tank Engine, toy cars etc (although I did have Barbie dolls etc too). I may hang around with male friends, but they all know that they’ll never be anything more than friends. And they also know what they’ll get told if they try to make a move on me too. I’m not interested in dating whatsoever, even in this new life creation goal of mine.