Listen, Learn and try to understand. Re. Disability traits and my feelings.

I can’t say too much because it’s a court case topic. I should be there today, but I did not turn up due to the fact that anxiety and stress are literally making me physically sick. I’m in bed again as I’m extremely worn out. I think it’s time that I say a few things that I haven’t previously said before. I need to make it clear why I acted in the way that I did because everyone seems thinks I’m an evil person. I’m not happy with that perception. I don’t expect people to understand but I’m going to explain things. 

I feel immensely let down by the other person involved. I’ve only just found out the truth. That somehow makes it even worse because it confirmed my suspicions that I did not want to believe about them. I don’t want to ruin their career, but I have to say what I’m about to say because then others will understand why I went on at them via email for such a long time. I tried to reach out to this person when I met them. I had no one else that I felt I could trust at that time. I had just lost my son and I was emotionally broken. I was told to trust the university by the other person. Therefore, this is what I did as I assumed that the other person was saying that they could be trusted. I regret trusting them because a lot of the other staff condemned me. I was angry at the other person due to the fact that it seemed they didn’t stick up for me. That made me feel like they had let me down. I later have found out that my support service told them not to talk to me makes it even worse. I feel that they sided with the abusive system that has always treated me unfairly. I did try to explain to them what it was like being under that system. They’ve made my life worse, not better. As far as I’m concerned, the support service also fuelled the situation into what it has become today. The system has totally misjudged my needs and has therefore acted completely inappropriately. I have tried to explain to them my needs and how it is, but, as I previously stated, they do not listen to vulnerable adults. They make the most disproportionate assumptions because they do not have to cope with the reality of living with my disability. If they did understand, then they would certainly not have dealt with it in the way that they did.

I regret trusting them because a lot of the other staff condemned me. I was angry at the other person due to the fact that it seemed they didn’t stick up for me. That made me feel like they had let me down. I later have found out that my support service told them not to talk to me makes it even worse. I feel that they sided with the abusive system that has always treated me unfairly. I did try to explain to them what it was like being under that system. They’ve made my life worse, not better. As far as I’m concerned, the support service also fuelled the situation into what it has become today. The system has totally misjudged my needs and has therefore acted completely inappropriately. I have tried to explain to them my needs and how it is, but, as I previously stated, they do not listen to vulnerable adults. They make the most disproportionate assumptions because they do not have to cope with the reality of living with my disability. If they did understand, then they would certainly not have dealt with it in the way that they did (my support). All the training in the world does not show you what it is like to actually be someone with the condition. The fact that everyone is different in regards to their traits also doesn’t mean someone knows how it is for someone, even if they have a relative with the condition. The fact that anxiety and stress literally make me sick shows that I am quite sensitive. That doesn’t happen to everyone with my condition. I have social anxiety which literally prevents me going out some days. Those with the same condition may not have that to the same degree. I’ve got things that affect me from my past. Others with the same condition will all have different experiences from their pasts which affect them. I have my intuitive side too. There are those with my condition that haven’t got that to contend with as well. If I feel something then it’s hard not to act on it because I believe that my ‘gifts’ are there for a reason. I don’t see that side of me as a gift because it’s not something I enjoy having. It has taught me that sometimes everything is meant to be because I’ve seen things in dreams or felt things before they’ve happened and been unable to stop those events. 

I have my intuitive side too. There are those with my condition that haven’t got that to contend with as well. If I feel something then it’s hard not to act on it because I believe that my ‘gifts’ are there for a reason. I don’t see that side of me as a gift because it’s not something I enjoy having. It has taught me that sometimes everything is meant to be because I’ve seen things in dreams or felt things before they’ve happened and been unable to stop those events. I saw glimpses of this situation, but I couldn’t stop it. I hoped that it was just my fears, but I actually saw that the other person was going to betray me right from the start. I don’t like to religiously listen to that side of me because sometimes I’d like a break from a dream and not ‘feel things’ everywhere that I go. It’s especially bad in crowded places. There is no way of knowing where those feelings are coming from and sometimes you can be hit by so many at once from the energies surrounding people within that crowd. Some of those energies aren’t good and I have literally got headaches from negative energies given off by people I know weren’t very nice. People think I’m insane when I am open about this stuff. Believe me, I thought I was insane when I first started experiencing these things. But, then I met others that had the same abilities and struggled, in the same way, growing up. They taught me to embrace that side of me rather than fear it. In regards 

In regards to the university situation. I was tricked into sending a letter re. my exclusion to the VC. That was the instructions within the letter that I was sent at that time. I later found out that my support had told them to send me a letter to make it official and the support could be sorted out at a later date. However, due to me not knowing this, I was automatically sent down the disciplinary route because assumptions were made that other avenues had been exhausted. I was led to believe that the other person had got me sent down that disciplinary route. This is why I threatened them because I was so angry at the outcome. I was being told that they were the one to blame and that it was obvious because they weren’t speaking to me (even though they’d told them not to, which I didn’t know at that time).

I’m hurting very much over this situation. I’m literally heartbroken (not in the romantic sense). I’m told that this other person helps anyone that they can because that is the type of person that they are naturally. I keep thinking to myself. Why am I so evil that I don’t deserve their help? Why am I so undeserving? Why am I such lower scum that I get this horrible situation, rather than their kindness? I was completely misled. I wouldn’t have threatened them if I’d known that they weren’t to blame. I reached out to them and they abandoned me. Then they condemned me by initiating all this situation. I explained to them about my disability. I was open and honest. That makes me a good person. I could have hidden my past and my not so pretty side. But I didn’t. I will always miss them. But, I’m extremely hurt by them walking away when I turned to them. All I’ve ever needed was for someone to stay with me and show me the way. Rather than condemning me because I do not know how to be ‘normal’.

One thought on “Listen, Learn and try to understand. Re. Disability traits and my feelings.

  1. Not sure really how to speak upon this except with a great amount of sincerity & honesty in that, your scenario by all accounts you put a great deal of effort forth in an honorable only to have someone choose to show a malignant intention.
    I don’t really know what else to add.

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