I now know the therapy that I’m going to be having. I have my first appointment next week. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It’s private because there is nothing appropriate for me on the NHS. I have been back and forwards to the GP for a very long time to basically be told that they had no therapy services in this area available on the NHS that was suitable for my diagnosis. Then I got everyone trying to tell me I weren’t even trying to change. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. I have worked myself to the ground over the last 2 years. I’ve been trying to get help off of the NHS whilst getting all my qualifications when dealing with all that. I have worked extremely hard, getting nowhere and doors slammed in my face. As I said before, the system doesn’t listen to vulnerable adults. It’s a ‘put up and shut up’ thing. Meanwhile, we continue to suffer and get blamed for everything that goes wrong.
I saved up the money to go private because I know that our system is absolutely hopeless. The people that work in it can be rather arrogant and self-servient. However, they’re working in an overly stretched system. There are just too many people that need NHS services due to population increase. There was a tiny population when the NHS was started compared to now. I’d recommend anyone that can get the money together to get the private services to take that option. I know it’s difficult when you’re on benefits. I put chunks of cash over into a savings account. I’ve barely spent anything on myself for months. I have some clothes with visible holes in them. I will be replacing them eventually but they’re okay to wear around the house and for exercising at the gym. The hole in clothes thing is a constant potential hazard when you own cats. They grab hold of you when playing and if they pull your clothes then they get ripped.
I’ve taken on extra short writing projects and other little jobs (only allowed to earn a certain amount a week on the benefit that I’m on) to work towards getting the money together quicker. This was alongside studying for my qualifications. That is why I get so offended when people accuse me of not trying to help myself and others keep punishing me. I’m trying my best in the most difficult circumstances. I have to contend with a brain that just doesn’t work right while trying to get the money together to essentially repair it. That isn’t easy. It’s like trying to row against a constant incoming tide. It is tremendously exhausting, yet needed in order to survive and get to dry land. The accusations and misunderstandings constantly being thrown at me are like being pelted with rocks while I’m struggling to row through the waves to reach that dry land.