Miracles not going to materialise… sigh.

I’m extremely tired. I didn’t sleep last night at all. I am very stressed over everything that is happening. I wished for a miracle but it is surely not going to happen. It was worth a try. I’m quite sure that others are committed to punishing me for my disability traits and that is how it’s going to be. The fact that I didn’t know any better or indeed any of the facts that have recently come to light simply doesn’t matter to them. I truly hate myself for what happened. I punish myself every day by holding the hatred I have for myself internally. I’ve never really liked myself. I hated myself growing up because of how others treated me for being different. I suppose if I liked myself more, I could be someone that others actually liked. They say that you have to love yourself to be loved by anyone else. If you don’t think you’re worth loving, then others won’t think you’re worth loving. 

I truly hate myself for what happened. I punish myself every day by holding the hatred I have for myself internally. I’ve never really liked myself. I hated myself growing up because of how others treated me for being different. I suppose if I liked myself more, I could be someone that others actually liked. They say that you have to love yourself to be loved by anyone else. If you don’t think you’re worth loving, then others won’t think you’re worth loving. I don’t see what there is to love about myself. I don’t have the best looks in the world (my face is especially not attractive). I have a personality but it is overshadowed by my disability traits. Therefore, my personality is canceled out. If I could show my personality more, then I do not think that I’d be treated the way that I am. It is a true fact that likable personalities get away with more because society does naturally participate in positive discrimination without being aware it. I’ve never let anyone get to know me well enough because of shyness and then the rest of my personality is covered with my disability traits.

I do have a personality underneath, but I barely show it. I find it difficult to express my feelings when it is needed. I don’t see the point most of the time because no one has ever listened to me when it’s been important to do so anyway. It’s part of being a child/vulnerable adult within the system. Expressing your feelings becomes an alien concept because it’s actively discouraged. Those skills are used so little that you actually forget any skills that you have acquired. I’ve become an empty shell of a person as a vulnerable adult within the so called ‘support system’. There are so many things that are constantly taken away from you and pain inflicted upon your life because of how the system conducts itself, the eventual result is just becoming void of all feelings so that you don’t get hurt. I pray for a miracle that all this will end. However, in reality, the system won’t do the right thing and I will continue to suffer.

One thought on “Miracles not going to materialise… sigh.

Comments are closed.