Short entry at stupid ‘o’ clock

I’ve not long got home. It is now stupid ‘o’ clock but I needed a bath because I get really sore skin when I’m stressed. It feels much more comfortable now. The skin on my face was literally red raw. I’m quite worn out after today. I’ve decided that I’m going to think positively regardless of what may or may not happen. It will be hard but none of us can move on from what has happened until efforts are made. If I do think positively and get on with things. Then, this time next year it won’t feel so hurtful. I’ve got a lot of work to do in regards to study. I’m making progress in that avenue because I’m understanding Maths for the first time in my life. That was a pitiful subject for me at school. I keep getting told that I should write a book by others. I just don’t have the time right now balancing two subjects and trying to sort myself out. I’m also not good enough at writing yet. There is a certain amount of patience and concentration needed to focus on writing a book. Right now, that is something I do not have. I have my thoughts going all over the place. I actually painted my toes as well as my finger nails the other day. This was due to the fact that I have such a restless brain right now.

I never really sit still and I haven’t eaten a lot in over 4 days. I know it’s not the best way to lose weight, but that’s a positive in this situation. I’ve actually lost 3 lbs in 4 days. I’m glad because my weight kept going up and up. That is why I joined the Gym. I have been lazy though because I haven’t gone in a week. I wasn’t well and then I just convinced myself that half an hour last week was all I can manage. I can run for two minutes on the treadmill now at jogging speed. I didn’t used to have the coordination for that. I ran on the spot at home when I wanted to lose weight and wasn’t going the gym. Then I just did exactly the same on the treadmill. It’s about building up in stages. I don’t think that I enjoy the Gym because I put myself off too quickly by trying to do ‘too much’ at once. I’m fine when I’m in the mood for exercise. But, when I’m not, it’s like the hardest chore in the world.

The only thing that really keeps me going is knowing that I will get the slim body that I am aiming for eventually. I’m only 5 ft 2. If I put too much weight on I literally look like a dumpling. I remember when I was 14 1/2 stone. I wore size 16 clothes and I felt huge. I’ve always been curvy. However, apparently (according to a male friend) I do not have a bum. I have hips and a stomach though. I think they call it pear shaped. I know that most females aspire to have one of  those bums that stand out. That’s just not what I want. I’d love a flat stomach… but this is hard to achieve and this takes a long time. I seem to have got a tighter face since I started going the Gym. That isn’t where I need to lose it though. I hate my thighs because they feel huge to me. I know that to others they may look different because I look down on them (to me they look like tree trunks).

I hate myself anyway. I wish that I was skinnier and had longer hair (mine doesn’t want to grow very fast). I would love to bleach my hair again or at least have streaks. I can’t touch it if I want it to grow because blond makes my hair straw like due to my hair being naturally dry textured. I have got coconut oil on it as a leave in conditioner this week. I haven’t straightened it because it drys it out (I do use straightening spray as well). I get bored with my hair though. That is why I don’t like keeping it brown. It’s my natural colour but boring. I had some red dye at home so I just had to put that on. Black was okay until it went dull and then removing it was difficult. It’s not all come out now. I’ve literally put the red over the top to disguise where the black hasn’t come out yet.

I’ve still got emerald green eyeliner to try on. I haven’t worn it yet. I brought it because it was a pound and I hadn’t tried that colour before. I normally stick to black. I find it hard to do eyeliner though because of my lazy eye. I can’t aim properly and sometimes make a right mess (or on the worse occasions, poke myself in the eye). Liquid eyeliner isn’t a good idea for me to apply at all (especially the water proof ones). I can do mascara, just nothing that requires definition and detail. I don’t wear make up every day. It’s a huge effort and I’ve not really built it into my routine unless I’m actually going out for the day.

I haven’t really been out a lot recently due to anxiety. I feel like even when I’m trying to do my best, it just isn’t good enough. I have no confidence in my own abilities. I got asked about what Aspie talent I had earlier. I don’t even know what mine actually is. I used to sing. I was average at that. I played the violin at school (totally awful at that). I’m not arty because I cannot draw or paint. I can’t write properly and I just don’t think I have an Aspie talent. I’ve been told that I put colours together well when I do those colouring in pictures. I can communicate with animals (lets face it with the three cats I’m surrounded by them so I get a lot of practice at that skill). I can drive (but so can a lot of people). I can remember strings of information without a lot of effort (photographic memory but selective because I don’t remember every single thing). I really don’t know what my special talent could be. I’ve never been a typical person with Asperger Syndrome. I have learning disabilities with it and hormonal issues. That makes it more complicated. I literally try to avoid people at certain times when I am affected by hormonal moods. I can argue with myself at those times, let alone anyone else.

Anyway, I’m falling asleep typing so I’ve got to go now. Goodnight zzzz