I did say that I was going to spend the summer holidays ‘educating’ the public. It was supposed to be in video format. However, I’m more comfortable explaining these things in written format. I’m going to start with a topic that is fairly straight forward for me. This is explaining my disability traits. I think it’s perhaps useful right now because of how much I’ve been officially judged. I’m fully aware that others do not understand because they punish me. I’m going to try to simplify things as much as possible for readers.
I am unable to see the world in the same way as others. I do not see roles or any type of boundary. That isn’t a natural thought pattern for me. I have an inbuilt belief that everyone is born equal, so they should remain equal regardless of what role they have in life. That also is partly because I’m intuitive and I really can’t pick and chose who I feel things from. That part of me is totally random. I sometime just blurt out what my intuition is saying in my head, then the other person is freaked out because they think I’ve obtained inside information. It is extremely hard to convince them how I actually know, especially if they’re not a believer in such abilities.
I’m annoyingly shy in offline life. I have no self confidence and I build up to talking to the other person. I do some things that may look a little strange to others. But, this is only because I’m quite afraid of people and I kind of check them out before properly approaching them. I know that it could look quite dodgy. This is why I am explaining it here.
In regards to my ocd emailing issue (which gets me into trouble). That is not as easy as people demand for me to give up. Stop isn’t something my brain knows how to do. It can do it when I’m not in meltdown mode. If I have something in my head that is to do with another person, then it will go round my head obsessively until I have to email it to someone. I’m not the type of person that can hold anything in, especially when nothing was finished after the whole university situation. I wanted to go back and challenge the exclusion, but my support service refused to help me and subsequently told me to say I didn’t want to go back. That’s not going to help my issues. That is going to cause more frustration (which is a trigger). I have been deeply unhappy because I never went back to where I wanted to be. I feel that I was punished for being honest and that we could have come to other compromises. There should be more options than point blankly it’s against the rules so you can’t stay. I was open and honest. I was the same with the court about not being able to stick to a legally enforceable order and they still put one on. I don’t think I can be anymore blunt than I have been in either case. It is the same as someone who can never walk, or someone who is blind. Both of them can’t be ‘forced’ to walk or to see because they do not have the capabilities. I don’t see how my disability makes it any different. I said the awful things I did because I was practically pushed into a fight that I never wanted. I didn’t want to say those things. I was trying to protect myself because I was made to feel under attack due to a lot of things my support service said to me. I’m not normally a nasty person but I felt like I’d been punished over and over again for just being honest about my condition. They weren’t even prepared to make ‘reasonable adjustments’ for my disability. I was even told by the support service inside the university (NAS) what time I had to be asleep. I’ve never had a ‘normal’ sleep pattern and that isn’t a choice. It is natural for me to be awake at half 2 in the morning. I’ve always had that kind of sleep pattern since becoming an adult. I’ve always been able to sleep at that time and then get up at half 6 to get to college etc. I do feel better when I have more sleep. But, my point is, dictating to me when I sleep is stepping over that line to me. We all have our personal boundary lines. I’m quite relaxed where it comes to boundaries. But, when people start dictating to me in regards to my routine that I’ve always had… this is where I draw a line. I find it impossible to go to bed about 10 pm (which is when they were suggesting), if I do, then I wake up at 3 am and cannot sleep the rest of the night. I nap when I get home from whatever I’ve been doing and that is how I generally roll. I look forward to a nap more than a night’s sleep.
I’m quite sensitive. I feel everything very deeply. I know that I shouldn’t let things offend me too much because it only makes me feel awful. I get hurt so easily because I stupidly believe that everyone has good within them. I know that this is naive. I have over reacted in the past because I’ve felt betrayed. I’ve been told to be honest and trust others…. but, when I have it just went completely pear shaped for me. I have really wished for understanding. I will never get rid of my disability. The reasonable adjustments need to be put in because everything that has been done to me has triggered my ocd traits more. People think I deserve what I got because threatened the other person involved. I did that in desperation. That isn’t my character. I have my bad sides but I’m not that evil enough to deserve what was done to me or potentially what else could be done to me if this case isn’t ceased. I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve hoping that people will listen and understand.