Ugh :(

There can only be one title for tonight’s blog entry and this is ugh. The reason being is because I’ve literally been so exhausted all day that I spent most of my time in bed. I’m not feeling too well. I was working on my college work in bed and doing other bits and pieces. I have to do something. I’m not a person who can be ill. I get bored too easily. I do not know the meaning of rest. I go for a two hour walk when I am not feeling great, proceeding to make myself feel ten times worse. I haven’t even been out for a walk since Friday. I went the Gym for half an hour last week but I just feel quite uninterested in exercise at the moment.

I have barely any energy to actually get up and do every day things properly, let alone do more intense physical exertion. I have to do my college work because that is something that is a priority. I try to do as much house work as possible (but I’m the type that only cleans and tidies when it starts to get noticeably grubby and untidy). I feel bad for spending most of the day in bed, despite working on things. It just feels like I’ve wasted the day in one place. I complain about my weight, but if I don’t move I will end up a size 16 (like I was in my early 20s). I am not particularly hungry. I had a few bits tonight. I couldn’t face a proper meal. I just don’t feel like I really want to eat. I feel full enough, even though I’ve only had a bag of crisps and a few milk chocolate finger biscuits. That is all I can face right now.

I had plans tomorrow. However, my anxiety is extremely high at the moment. I don’t want to go out. I dislike letting people down. But, if I still feel like this in the morning then I’m not going. I just cannot be around people right now. I even switched my social network chat option off. I don’t even want to talk to others. I’d rather no one took offence to that because it’s not personal. I’m suffering quite badly due to what is going on. I can’t help how I feel. I’m not trying to be difficult. I cannot go through what is coming and no one is listening to me. I’m so afraid. The medication I’ve started can’t rid me of fear because that isn’t part of my illness. That is what I’m going through. I’m getting less and less inclined to go out much at all. I can’t face other people because I just feel that I’ll get hurt again. I always have on many occasions because I’m naive and always say exactly what I feel (regardless whether it’s good or not). I know that the world doesn’t like those traits or will take advantage of them. I’d love to be more streetwise. I end up sounding nasty rather than assertive when I attempt to stick up for myself. I feel like a child that has never grown up. I see everyone around me and I’m stuck in time. I haven’t matured as fast as everyone else in mental maturity. I’m at least 10 years behind. I should be 20 this year, not 30. I do look younger. I am getting panicky over things that are going on. I’m constantly on edge and extremely jumpy. I even jumped out of my skin when when my alarm clock went off earlier. I was literally shaking because it struck fear into me (I know how lame that sounds, but it’s entirely true). I was left quite shaken up and on edge with anxiety and depression after the whole situation went through it’s process previous times.

I’m not like I used to be. I don’t trust anyone anymore. It’s awful when you find out that you literally couldn’t trust anyone around you a few years previously (2 years afterwards). There is no way of trusting the system. They aren’t nice people that work within in. They’re actually making our lives worse. The orders social services gave in this situation certainly made things worse. I have made my feelings well and truly known. I wish I could do more in regards to legally taking a case to say that the local authority has never supported me properly. I need concrete evidence in the form of a paper trail (which I do not have). It’s not easy to prove exactly what has occurred behind my back. I’m going to always be unable to trust others because of them now. I won’t ever get rid of that part of me. Psychologically, the lack of support and wrong support has affected me. That is a form of damage which is covered under Tort (this is proof that I’ve been studying my law gcse today). I could also say that they caused the other person involved the same damage by leading me to believe that they were the one that was being awful towards me. If they hadn’t done those actions, then none of the other things would have happened. I feel guilty for my part in the situation. But, why should I take the whole blame when they were the ones telling me things that weren’t entirely true? The proportion of blame needs to be shared where it’s due. I’m not being scapegoated for everything because that isn’t fair. I don’t want anyone to get into trouble. I just want fairness. I want a career when I’ve got all my qualifications. That is potentially very difficult now all this has happened. One, due to my anxiety and Two, my record and the order which is going to make it current if it stays on. I’m completely honest about my disability traits. It’s not something I do on purpose. In an ideal world I shouldn’t be punished for it. There should be other options… however, we live in a mad world full of injustice and unhelpful solutions.