Welcome back to Musings of a Trainee Battleaxe : D

Hello 🙂

Welcome back to the blog! This isn’t going to be exactly like my previous blog because I want to do it in a different format this time. I’m not going to be posting a very long entry today since I am not well. I told a few ‘friends’ that I would ‘take a break’. It seems that I have proceeded to get bored and subsequently decided to work on something. I don’t have a lazy nature. There is always something to do… especially when you live on your own (e.g housework is solely your responsibility).

I’m tired because quite a lot of things are happening at this moment in time. I have made my feelings known that I am not happy about what is happening. However, I’m used to others not listening to me. It is a highly confusing, horrible situation and I wish that I could just sort it out. I won’t go into it right now because I’m not wanting to get stressed when I already feel a unwell. I had a migraine for three days this week. The stress from that situation has kicked my health problems off. I can’t make people understand my point of view or anything about my disability traits. I can only explain the reality of living with them traits to others.

I can’t be a certain way because people demand a conduct that I do not possess. That doesn’t make me an awful person. I am honest about what I can and can’t do and any of my limitations. I may be quite upfront at times, nonetheless, sometimes this is needed to describe what is needed. I know that I’m not an evil person because I was pushed to say the threats that were made. I will openly and honestly say in public right here that I care about the other person involved. I feel extremely guilty for what was said to the point where that is also making me ill. I cannot change what got said. That is something I wish that I could do. Unfortunately, I do not have the capabilities to ‘turn back time’. I would use it on a daily basis if I could because I’m always messing up due to my high levels of anxiety.  The biggest fear I have is others not liking me. Or even worse, hating me. It hurts me to think that others think I’m an awful person because I try my best, even if it looks like I am not. I wasn’t diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome until I was 16. Therefore, I had no help as a child and could never form lasting friendships because of the lack of appropriate intervention. This has led me to a life of solitude. I endlessly have to pick my way through a life which is very confusing to me. I do not understand society. It is completely illogical to me. There is logic but no common sense. Those are two things that used to be used together. We wouldn’t have some of the situations we see to today if common sense was still used. I wouldn’t have ended up in my situation if common sense had been used in the beginning. I know a few details in regards to what went on in my situation now. I do not agree with what my support did behind my back. I have been completely frankly honest about that to them. I do feel like taking things further because I’ve been let down quite badly by the local authority. The way they handle things is counterproductive. It pulls people apart, rather than helping them work together to find a solution. I’ve been left without support since I got upset and told my support service what I thought of them in December. I’m still on a section 117 aftercare (which pays for the support I’m not receiving). The local authority are still getting that funding which isn’t being used to pay for services. I’ve had to go private to obtain medication because the GP and mental health services are not helpful whatsoever. They’ve actually admitted that there are no effective help services for those with my condition around this area. That is why I’m going to say that I would appreciate not being given a hard time for my failings when I’m consistently let down by the area I live in.

The private medication is going to cost me £70 per month. I’m feeling better on it in regards to being calmer and able to express myself outwardly more effectively. I’m never going to be ‘normal’. The public need educating on the fact that people with mental illness will never be able to achieve ‘normal’. In the case of Asperger Syndrome, they are wired differently to a none AS person. Those of us that have found a focused path are normally okay and end up blending in. In most cases these are the ones that have been diagnosed as a child and have received early intervention. They didn’t grow up feeling as lost because they had people around them socialising them into some form of ‘norm’. 

Socialisation is a very important part of early intervention for Autism Spectrum Conditions in Children. I never had that part because I was undiagnosed and most of the time played on my own. I didn’t know how to mix at school. It never came naturally to me. Then I developed an innate inbuilt distrust for others as I grew up because of my experiences. I have so much anger and bitterness against the human race in general. I cannot stand how they are and feel there is so much evil that breeds within them. I’ve always covered how shy I truly am when I write to people. In person I annoy myself because I just won’t say anything when I really need to do so. In one way I’d love to go out and make friends, but I also now have inbuilt fears that make me want to live my life as a ‘hermit’. I am not ready to push myself out there yet because I’m still affected by what has happened to me. I don’t know what I’ll feel like when my medication has taken more of an effect long term. I like my own space now. I have no desire for friends most of the time. I think it’s because I associate people with pain and have a deep rooted fear of getting hurt again. I’ve misjudged seemingly nice people so many times and they’ve just betrayed me in some way. I don’t want to take risks like that again. 

Anyway, I must sign off now. I actually will rest for a bit now. Hope you like the blog x