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Explaining the new layout.

I have pinned this post to the top to ensure that it doesn’t get lost in the midst of others. I have changed the layout of the blog tonight. I needed to chose a new colour (previous one was green) to be more user friendly- basically means it appeals to peoples attention and draws them to read posts. I have got august 2022 posts edited and categorised tonight. Starting on July 2022 tomorrow. On the sidebar (if viewing on a laptop/tablet, on the bottom if viewing on a phone) you’ll find the Facebook page and Twitter feed. There is an option to follow the blog on WordPress. On the main body of landing page you will find featured blog entries in full. On the side bar there are the most recent entries. I hope that makes it slightly less confusing to navigate for blog readers. And, yes the photos I’ve used are old but not got newer ones to replace them yet.

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It worked out better than I thought today. / mental health becoming a trend…

I got a few phone calls done when I got up. I know that I said I don’t like doing them but sometimes I have to in order to get stuff collected etc. I tidied up a bit and went out for a walk. I need to sort my sleep pattern out because it’s getting ridiculous again. I’m just about better. I think I had a cold thing coming out.

I also want to cover this whole mental health issues becoming a cool trend amongst the younger generation. We (my generation and the above one) worked far too hard, got punished for who we were multiple times for the youngsters growing up now to make it just another trend which it’s cool to be in. Let me just point out that there is nothing cool about having autism or any form of mental illness. When I had my son I felt like I was in a bubble, nothing felt real and I got really angry (which isn’t like me unless I get to meltdown point) and I shouted that I didn’t want my son. I hope he doesn’t remember that because that was in front of him when dealing with the social workers. The anger was toward how they were making the situation not him. We were in a hospital where they had taken him for tests after I confided in someone I thought was a friend who passed onto them they I had hurt him. The paediatrician we saw couldn’t find anything wrong with him but they still took him to the hospital for invasive tests which might have hurt him. Mum asked whether it was due to the baby p case. The doctor dodged the question and said there was loads of baby p’s out there. That did change the system because they missed countless opportunities to take him out of that environment but they didn’t. Every single time the system messes up innocent people end up paying the price. Local authorities start taking children into care just in case. Then they still leave children with drug addicts because ‘they can change’ (look at the wording of the children’s act) but those with disabilities cannot meet that criteria and they aren’t being given the supports to meet it, their children are taken away instead. The social workers are also scared to enter the homes of parents who are violent, addicted to drugs etc. They had no other grounds apart from malicious reports and what I said which their involvement pushed me to do in my particular case. I still remember his face like he felt totally rejected at that point. That haunts me because I know what it was like to feel rejected.

I went for help but I never got it, instead they took my son after using what could have been something like PND or post natal psychosis alongside my autism or suspected BPD. They didn’t provide help even after they took him. I was just left by the system because I was not a straight forward case. I had to get through it on my own and that kind of thing can last for years after you’ve had a baby. I’ve only felt back to normal in the last two years. That would have lasted 8 years in my case. The fact that I realised I was probably BPD like what was suspected but a formal diagnosis never happened has helped because if you understand aspects of what may be wrong with you then you may be able to fix it yourself. I can pull myself back when my intensity may be about to get too much for someone else. I have literally banned myself from the whole favourite person scenario. I just won’t allow my brain to go there because that stops me getting labelled a criminal ever again. I’m hoping that I can make it right with people who may have got dragged into that side of my BPD and after effects of trauma. They have to make the decision that they wish to come forward to do that. I will just roll with it if they decide that they want to make that move. I’ve calmed down a lot since I was younger. I would lash out before thinking it through at that age. I now sit down and think before I say anything. That is a maturity thing though. Some battles aren’t worth entering into because nothing good will come from it. I never show emotion now. I’m very detached when dealing with them. It is the best way to be. That is the only way I will get off that section 117 aftercare clause.

In regard to the whole mental illness / autism being cool… please just stop it. There are teenagers taking mobile phones into psych wards getting themselves sectioned when they don’t really need to be there. They are taking a bed for patients who are extremely mentally ill. The fact that these youngsters know there is something wrong means that they haven’t reached that level of sickness where their brain has completely malfunctioned. I’m sure that some of them are genuine but I’m just pointing it out. I’m sure that they tell you not to film other patients but even if one of them agrees to go on camera with you please remember that they are unwell and if they act in a way that portrays that please give them some dignity by not filming. You’re making a conscious choice to put yourself out there when you’re at the most vulnerable version of yourself. Other people don’t want to do that. We didn’t have the problem of camera phones back when I got sectioned as a teenager. I even have my boundaries. I will take clips of myself when I’m having a bad day mentally, but I do that in a very controlled way. I’m not like all the teenagers coming up now who will literally record the entirety of their existence. I do it on the blog to a point in written form, but it’s still filtered through a system where I know I’m comfortable putting it out there. That is changing as I get older. I used to be a lot more open as a youngster but for 8 of those years (the beginning dates of this blog) I wasn’t myself and my mind was regularly everywhere. This trend thing is just not helpful to those genuinely suffering from mental illness. People are committing suicide every single day in significant numbers throughout world because of mental illness. Please spare a thought for them and their families left behind when you decide it’s fun to treat mental illness as a trend. It was never fun. The suffering is immense and if you spent time in someone’s head who has a mental illness you would see that. It’s not a cool quirk. It affects the entire lives of those who have these conditions.

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There’s things that bug me about the system…

I saw something online earlier about the rule that adopted children aren’t allowed their photos published on public things. It makes sense in cases where there are children who have genuinely been removed for abuse but out of those that are adopted there are a very small percentage of those types of scenarios. Most babies / small children have been removed on ‘at risk of future harm’ due to what social workers assume about the parents which gets put in assessments and then used in courts. I literally proved that what was assumed about me was wrong, but I couldn’t stop the adoption because the court process had gone too far. The local authority rushed the placement with my son’s adoptive parents as soon as they realised it was back in court. I was never meant to have my son removed. I feel that birth parents are vilified due to cases where children have been abused. I literally risked being done for a crime because I took the court paperwork for a private assessment with a friend in London to disprove all the reports that the local authority had done during those proceedings. Those documents had to be released by all parties to the case but there was no way that the local authority or childrens guardian would have agreed willingly. I was lucky to have met some rich friends when I was living down south to even get the evidence stating the opposite. Even after the case ended, I literally went to the mental health team and I was told that many of the things put in the psychiatric assessment done for the court case I definitely didn’t have.

People make assumptions and the legislation that is out there, in example the no photos published thing just reinforces that vilification. I was a victim in this and I proved that. I assure you that many birth parents try to make out that they are also victims when they did do stuff to get their children taken away. I genuinely am a victim though. 10 years ago it was quite a different time. The attitudes were quite different then. I was offered an abortion by adult mental health services as soon as they found out. I refused so I got referred to child protection. They didn’t want my son to exist because his father was related to a staff member of the care company I had been in (I had left there at least a year when this happened though). Segregation between clients of that company and staff outside in the community was actively encouraged. The area was small and close knit so that was difficult. I had a pre-birth assessment that said everything they shouldn’t do but when it came to it they did the opposite. The pre-birth assessment even said I could do it but I was still told that if I didn’t move areas back to my mums then they would take him at birth. I was being maliciously reported behind my back from when I was pregnant until he was taken away. Those reports meant that I was hounded by child protection team. I was made to go to lots of meetings when he was only just days, weeks old. It mentally broke me. I tried to tell my GP at that time because I went there begging for antidepressants because I couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t even allowed alone with my own baby because of the malicious reports. If it hadn’t been put in the court bundle then I would have never known about these reports. I broke by 8 weeks. I had a really bad birth which I was trying to recover from alongside all this.

They didn’t have to take my baby for adoption because I literally asked for help. Instead, they took my baby and left me to suffer. I was under adult mental health services but because I had been labelled a criminal for my autism traits, I got stuck under the forensics team which automatically makes people treat you horrendously. I will keep spelling out what I went through because I will not be vilified. I never did anything wrong in my life, but I was born autistic and other things happened during my childhood which could have impacted on that. I was never a bad person who deserved the above happen to them. I am fed up with the same assumptions. I could never hurt anyone which is why what happened to me was so hurtful on a deep level. I only ever got in trouble because I wanted a friend and would write to communicate rather than speak. I was treated horrendously for my autism at school, college etc, so the things that happened out of character were when they had pushed me into meltdown mode with that horrendous treatment. Then it was all my fault for their lack of support and pushing me into being who I couldn’t be. There is only so much someone with autism can take and that limit is so much lower as a younger person. I have become more tolerant with age but still get to meltdown mode occasionally.

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I don’t do politics but I feel that I need to say this…

I’m not into politics, I think it’s a system created to just cause more division, but as a disabled person it affects my life. Those that are in power at the moment aren’t representing the people from average backgrounds. The prime minister and others within government should NOT be those with vast amounts of money and private health care etc. Those types don’t have to rely on any of the NHS services that are just in complete ruin at the moment. This is an issue within our society. Those in charge simply have no idea what it’s like for people who have to use certain services. I have said this for a very long time in relation to mental health services etc but it can apply widely to other things. Those in power aren’t going to be the ones losing their families or dying themselves because of the long NHS waiting lists and ambulances queuing up at hospitals unable to unload patients because there are not enough resources to get them treated. These types can pay to get the services provided by social care that those waiting in hospital beds aren’t able to do. Everyone is either striking or threatening to strike. The average people want a general election but the rich collective, known as the Tories are denying the wish of the people. I don’t support any specific party. I stay neutral unless it’s tactical voting related (been an activist type for far too long). Our government isn’t listening to what people want in this country. That is showing how completely arrogant and out of touch they actually are in regard to the people they are supposed to serve. They need to listen to the peoples wishes for a general election because irreversible damage is going to be done if the Tories stay in until 2024.

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This whole karma stuff is confusing and makes no sense. Two examples from my life illustrates this.

The whole ‘do good and you’ll get good things come to you’ makes no sense and in reality. I did good stuff that never came back to me. For instance, let’s go right back to when I was a child. How did I have such bad karma when I was only 8? I was pushed over and school, developed epilepsy and ended up one of the children wrongly diagnosed/treated (medication dosage was too high and the second opinion during the enquiry into the whole situation said I would have naturally grown out of the epilepsy that I had without being medicated). There were 600 children involved in the scandal involving Dr. Holton. 2 of them went to the same school as me and also had behavioural problems. I was zombie like on the medication that was prescribed to me. I looked it up and discovered that what I was prescribed wasn’t even approved to be used in children (uk) until 2009. That makes what happened worse. I fear that we were part of some kind of trail but wasn’t aware of it. He was allowed to practice, not with children and under certain guidelines but if there was something like undisclosed trials for medication in the background he should have been struck off. They shouldn’t do that kind of thing but I bet it happens if enough money is handed over. We don’t know the long-term effects or the full damage. I don’t know if this situation caused my health issues like my knees kicking off, toe going weird and finger swelling up as well as other problems to do with my monthly etc. 600 people who have now grown up and received compensation for the initial mess may be able to get more compensation if they started displaying similar medical issues years later. I lost a proportion of my childhood because I was too drugged up in a zombie like state to be present for the latter half of my childhood. Then I got labelled a criminal for my autism so as far as compassion is concerned… I got absolutely zilch. I’m still on that 117-section aftercare clause 15 years later (they put me on this clause after I came off of section at aged 20, I’m 35 now. I’m counting the 15 years as when I was sectioned initially because that is when the system took my freedom).

Then we fast forward to 10 years ago when I had my son and he got adopted. I got the judge that was over in Coventry to come over here, but my son was still adopted because the local authority pulled some sneaky legal tricks. They placed him knowing that it was going back to court because I managed to get it back in there myself. I had my solicitor tell me that there was no appeal and there was nothing that I could do but I found out there was. I was the one that got Judge Bellamy over here by writing to Coventry to submit a hearing which they had to send to the local court. They sent the judge too because he was a circuit judge who does different areas. I don’t know if he is still there, but I heard a lot a cases since mine where he has stopped the local authority taking disabled people’s children. I did that which is something good and all I got afterward was a load of crap. Thrown in prison for a month even at one point. How was that fair? I still lost my son when I did all the research and got the judge that I knew would challenge their practices over here? Maybe it wasn’t the right time for me to have a child. I still looked like a child when I had Jonny (24 years old but looked like a teenager). I still have people who know me now say I look like a child because I have tiny hands and feet, short and petite. I’m fed up of hearing good things come to those that wait because I have been waiting for years and it was just one stressful situation after another. I believe everything happens for a reason. I changed as a person after meeting A but it was mostly due to what she put me through. I no longer trust people because last time I did I ended up being accused of awful intentions and thrown in prison.

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I don’t think people realise how my reality is not a choice and I’m not portraying it in a negative light.

I’m not portraying my life in a negative way. This is purely the reality of my life having a form of autism. I have tried to change my life but it’s never progressed in any way. The comments about how I see everything as negative is wrong. I am merely discussing the reality of being autistic. It does legitimately suck. I’ve been to get my education in an attempt to improve my life. I still haven’t progressed though. The effort never pays off because of the stigma around autism and mental health issues out there. Society actively works against me. Others refuse to give me what I need. That isn’t being negative. That is simply being blunt about it. I got to the point where I no longer try to go back into the education system or try anything new in life because the stuff I’ve been through has put me off. It is the only way for me to have a quiet life and not get treated awfully for my autism etc. People have tried to justify that treatment by trying to separate the term autism from the traits that I have. This hasn’t been helpful and has let ableism flourish around me. I have tried to change my life. Every single time I do I’m stopped by others. I was pushed out and when I didn’t go willingly or let go of what parts of society wanted me to do, they forced me. I ended up burnt out to the point my behaviour problems really kicked off which the system knew they were able to do if they pushed me enough. Imagine how it felt for me when I wanted to have a child. I was offered an abortion by adult services, I refused so they referred me to childrens services for ‘support’ which just resulted in me being pushed to fail and my son being forcibly adopted. The same goes for education system. I opened up to people because I was emotionally suffering after that and each time got asked to leave and then forced to leave when I refused just to take it. People have always done this to me when my behaviour problems have kicked off. I was just trying to communicate in my own way because I couldn’t do it like a normal person. I was punished for that regardless of the way others like to dress it up. I even don’t get support because my autism didn’t affect me in what was seen as the traditional way. I’m left to struggle barely functioning on a daily basis. I hate even waking up because I struggle to function that much. But no, keep telling me that I make out everything is negative. It’s reality and I also have to fight myself to still go out into the world for even every day stuff. I’ve had people attack me so much that at one point the manager of the charity that provided my support before they stopped it all together, had actual conversations that were had online where I was saying how unhappy I was with my support. I had my grounds. They literally used details from my past history to prevent me having a female worker. I wasn’t comfortable with a male one. It was making me emotionally worse and unsettled. I kept being told that it was the council giving instructions that I wasn’t allowed a female worker. That is the kind of cruelty I’ve had to put up with due to how my autism has affected me. I’m not saying the male support worker was awful but as a female having males enter your home is not a preference that makes you feel comfortable. They’ve gone way too over the top with health and safety nowadays. They think that everyone who is different in a way people aren’t used to is a potential danger. The care within the system has completely gone. It’s cold and no one who works in it really can emphasise with the clients.

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I have explained this so many times, and I will do it again…

I don’t know how people just don’t get this but I will try to explain it again. If someone couldn’t walk, talk or whatever… that would be obviously caused by a disability which is visible to to others. If someone is prejudice or treats them in a negative way because of those characteristics it would be quite obvious. The things I did in my past and sometimes do occasionally now are due to my autism and BPD combined. I was treated negatively for those things. Those things were caused by my disability. It’s not making excuses. It’s plain and simple. Therefore, I lost the people I wanted in my life because of my disability. Those that tell me I chose the wrong people are always the ones I will just never be into. I see myself as above these individuals leagues. I want much better. I found much better but they didn’t want me. I am not visibly autistic. I don’t want anyone who isn’t normal passing. That isn’t a prejudice, that is merely my preference. I will be friends with anyone but when it comes to being with someone else I want to be with a normal passing person. But, before I go off on a tangent, I will swing back to my original point. If I have lost people by the actions that I did and things I said due to my disability… then that is purely ableism. I was treated that way basically because of how my disability affects me. They can get away with ableism toward me because of me being ‘normal passing’. I retaliated to that ableism and got looked at even worse and blamed for situations that weren’t entirely my fault.

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I never wanted to be a ‘creator’.

I have woken up for a while so going to post next blog entry before I forget. This is going to be about accidentally becoming a creator when I never had that intention back in 2016. I started this blog in 2016. Previously I had ran a autism website but it had passed its best and didn’t really work any longer. The changes of times meant that blogs were now the new ‘thing’. Unless you wanted to be a vlogger on YouTube… now many are using the TikTok platform to do that. I don’t like talking on camera so blogging was my preferred medium. I didn’t really expect it to even get a few visitors, let alone hundreds which has become thousands recently. I’m probably most likely never going to be one of those influencer type creators. You literally have to juggle a lot of projects and always be out there to become that kind of thing. I didn’t start this blog to become a creator though. I wanted to teach the world that I wasn’t how I was portrayed and that I was worth knowing. I wanted to show beyond the autism and hopefully not lose as many people in my life. That hasn’t stopped happening. People still walk away when I’m comfortable and I go through that rejection all over again. I thought if I explained all the things relating to autism, BPD etc that would allow me to have a ‘normal’ life. People don’t walk away from things that they understand. I then realised the difficulty of accessing another persons perception of the world to be able to say to them how it is. That is an impossible task because unless I’ve experienced something it’s hard to relate and subsequently be able to put things in a way that others will understand. It’s like explaining human life to a cat. They have no concept of why our whole society would revolve around money and not ‘living for free’ as most cats probably feel like they do if they had the ability to think like a human. I keep getting deja vu again. It’s weird and I don’t like it because I end up of edge expecting nasty surprises. Anyway, back to topic. I still don’t have that life I wanted to open up by doing this blogging stuff. I don’t feel like people are really listening. Even those I hope will listen on a personal level when I say that I need things specifically and why. I’ve waited years for others to be fair when it comes to past situations but none of that has ever materialised. I try not to fully air certain situations out fully on here that have occurred. This is why I simple refer to others by initial only. I wanted to be settled down by the age of 35. I hate living on my own but I pretend to like it because so many others like living on their own. It was fine for many years but I have outgrown the liking to be alone thing. I accepted it for quite a while but now I don’t like it. It’s hard when I’m just too exhausted to do stuff, my sleep pattern is left to it’s own devices due to being left on my own. I would feel much better and more motivated to actually do life properly if I met someone and lived with them or at least someone popping in to get me out on a daily basis (friends only even because all that intimate stuff in relationships isn’t really important to me). I didn’t go outside today. That is no good for me despite the fact that I was still tired from migraine earlier in the week. I had to make/cook my own food which is hard when I barely have any energy to spare. I have hair that I am ashamed to leave my home with which I cannot re bleach it on roots and work it through the ginger ends until I have built up a surplus of energy to fix that issue. If I had another person whether it was a friend or more then they could do my hair when I can’t. I have some friends but not close because by my age most of them have had kids and busy with their own families. Those that decided not to do the whole family thing are off living it up on holidays when they aren’t working. I physically spend most of my time alone. I catch up with people via social media ever so often. That is where I work (don’t get paid for this creator stuff so working for free) so normally it’s in between blogging, making TikTok videos, sharing stuff online. I don’t feel like I’m progressing in the way that I thought running the blog would make me progress. That is frustrating because I used to enjoy blogging but more recently I’ve wanted a change to a new kind of job even if I still don’t get paid. I tried to write a book. I just couldn’t do it because I don’t have the concentration to sit there for hours and a story that has a thread long enough to become a book. I feel stuck in the pigeon hole of blogger who is completely alone in their every day life. I do network but it is entirely business related. I do not personally mingle with those I’m trying to entice to read the blog. I am vulnerable enough on the blog without opening myself up on a personal level too while networking.

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Fate being different could have changed my life completely.

This isn’t specifically getting at the NHS but it’s saying what happened in a series of events led to the reality that I find myself today. The NHS didn’t find what killed my dad in 2010 and to be honest the treatment they gave him for his lung condition was basically a load of medications with further side effects causing other secondary illnesses. If they had provided better more appropriate treatment that didn’t result in things getting worse for him then he wouldn’t have passed away so soon at just 62. He had not long come out of hospital before he passed away. If they had done a full set of tests they would have found what was lining up to cause his death. They didn’t check anything they just probably looked at medication and sent him home as soon as possible. If dad hadn’t passed away then him and mum would have moved up north to the seaside place which was the retirement plan. Then I wouldn’t have been forced back here with my son due to social services telling me I had to move in my mum when I was due to have him. I wouldn’t have had the stigma or be retraumatised by the memories of growing up here. I wouldn’t have been labelled the same way I was growing up here because there would have been no old shit in a new area. I wouldn’t have met certain individuals who are happy to still be living in this god forsaken area. It’s a shit hole with barely any funding for the NHS services or anything else. We were always the area who got less than anywhere else in the country. If dad had not died we would be happy rather than living this stuck miserable life. I’m brutal with the truth and personally I hate feeling stuck. That is my reality now because I simply cannot afford to up sticks and move away.

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This is my life… no one has the right to judge unless they too experience it.

After being awake all night… again for the millionth time in weeks. I would just like to express how annoying my reality can be. I am weird. That is just one of those things. I do however have to be weird to cope with certain things. You have absolutely no idea what it is like to just get a wave of emotion hit you in the street. The fact that you just want to cry. The sweeping emotions if you enter a crowded place or room with multiple people and it feels like a ton of bricks hitting you. I can hear really tiny noises due to my autism which on top is just too much sometimes. I can smell things a mile off. I have been literally known to say I think so and so maybe nearly here because I smelt their perfume/aftershave even before they walked into the room. Animals just walk up to me randomly. I’m talking mostly dogs or cats. I’ve had horses and cows come to the edge of field fences before too. It’s like they are naturally connected to me. I talk to them and they actually seem like they understand me. The constant inability to sleep because your mind is picking up whatever is floating about from others etc. I was born into a crazy world that doesn’t understand me. There is something about me but it’s not what people have assumed. There are things I have been able to do which I don’t particularly like. Multiple occasions of my life I have been in someone’s presence and for some reason they have stood out to me. It is invisible and something to do with the energy aura around them. A few months later, these people had passed away suddenly. They weren’t even ill etc. Dreams that happened in real life multiple times. I still get them but not so much nowadays. Then I just get feelings or thoughts popping into my head which are accurate to something that pops up in my life. The deja vu I’m experiencing in my life at the moment is unreal. I was scared of all the stuff at first. I have to accept it because it will never go away. This seems to have grown stronger as I’ve aged. I knew that it wasn’t going to be easy coming off antidepressants due to the fact that they masked what I am able to do. It never turns off though and right now I just want a rest. I don’t want to have energy connecting to me from the past, present or future. I need a break.

I literally have headache which I accidentally made worse by sticking air freshener pods in each room. They literally make it worse due to being slightly allergic to them. I don’t want the place smelling like cats etc for inspection tomorrow. I think I also may have accidentally gave myself food poisoning because of warming my dinner up later after cooking it before I went for a walk. I need sleep to feel less crap.

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It shouldn’t be this way.

I saw something online where a young woman was saying that she felt safer and more secure in prison than in the outside world. I have heard similar accounts from others when I was inside briefly for a month in 2018 due to the whole breaking the restraining order situation. There were many women who shouldn’t have been in there. The percentage of black, Asian people etc in comparison to Caucasian. There were also many from the care system (multiple backgrounds – having been fostered, adopted or just spent time in care during a percentage of their life). The prejudices within our society are quite obvious behind the prison walls. The point I’m trying to make is that the outside (our society) shouldn’t be that neglectful that comments are being made in regard to prison being better for a lot of vulnerable adults. I started making friends while I was inside after just a week. That isn’t something I’m able to do on the outside. Outside I have to live an isolated life. I have tried to make friends on the outside but it’s on quite a superficial level and those relationships don’t really last. I found the support inside more appropriate than what I got on the outside. I missed the cats so I would rather be on the outside. The boy that pushed the little boy off of that building in London a few years back (he was diagnosed with Asperger’s along with other mental health issues) said that he wanted to be sent to prison because he would at least get proper support there. Something horrendous had to happen to create that outcome. The little boy involved will never be the same and probably be in pain for life. That is due to the outside world being that neglectful and none of the system being fit for purpose.

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I can’t sleep so I’m just going to have a brutally honest rant.

Insomnia has got me again. So… it’s time for a rant. Those that tell me there is help and support out there if you ask. That is complete bullshit. Especially if you have a condition such as autism. I was obviously crying out for help in the past. I didn’t get any. I got punished instead. Suspected BPD? We aren’t even going to deal with that. The assessment I did walk into I was attacked and accused of doing stuff I hadn’t done. I was constantly sent to the forensics team which hurt me a lot in itself. That was due to being labelled as a criminal for my issues. That team was never appropriate for me. There is supposedly a team which deals with autism stuff at county hall, however, I have never had any help from them. I’ve had a vast amount of professionals who do not have a clue around me over the years before my support got ceased. They were a waste of space and never treated their clients with respect. Instead, they spoke down to them. I also had people make fun of me due to being what many uneducated people see as high functioning. If I phoned the GP for support I would be told to go back on my antidepressants. Why the hell should I be on medication because society isn’t providing the appropriate support for my disability? It’s masking massive holes in the system. It was just masking my trauma and making my behaviour problems worse in the past. If I had asked to come off my antidepressants officially, they wouldn’t have ever let me because that is the only support the GP can offer. They have tried to refer me to the mental health team several times over a long period of time. They rejected the request on the basis that they could not offer support required due to having autism as my diagnosis rather than a specified mental health condition. If I had completed that assessment, they would have probably labelled me with something like anti-social personality disorder. That was their plan when I was younger so that they wouldn’t have to provide help and support. They couldn’t diagnose me that young because I wasn’t in the right age category at the time I first went to court as a teenager. Yes, I suffer very much. That wouldn’t be the case if I had APF. BPD would cause me to suffer a lot. I don’t want to live like this. The reality sucks. The alternative of having supposed help and support has never gone well previously. I even get told by my mother that I’m better off away from the system. That the system ruined my life etc. Even she has no idea about autism though. The reason why I need things a certain way and why I see things a certain way etc.

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This country is full of greedy rich people. This is what needs to happen but they won’t listen.

We need to get the rich people in this country to find their humanity again (or for the first time if they were born into a super rich privileged background). The plan for if I won the lottery they can do now. The bosses of the energy companies putting their prices up to stupid amounts which no normal citizen can afford. They can avoid putting the prices up by cutting their salary and other monetary perks in half. Then putting all that cash into workers wages rather than offering those working below them something like 35p (Amazon). The record profits that has been made by these types of companies should be put into accounts which pay interest on top on the money so that it accumulates and then given to the NHS and other things in our current system which are desperately under funded leading to unnecessary death and immense suffering. The companies do NOT need all the excess profits and their CEO’s etc could still live in their large houses, own their top performance cars, take private flights or go first class on holiday on half of what they currently get paid.

I had to force myself to do stuff.

I thought that I would never go to bed tonight because I just sat there emotionally numb on the sofa thinking what’s the point? I had to put change of bedsheets/duvet covers on because I have to change them a few times a week due to the cats sharing them. Right now I don’t even want to go out again tomorrow. The blog is failing before it’s even began. It cannot compete with the likes of vlogging like TikTok. I only ever made this blog so that others would know I was ok to accept. It seems to have the opposite effect because it seems that people only accept those that are quiet. I’m certainly not… at least not on here anyway. I probably won’t sleep tonight because things have upset me more than I will ever admit on here. I don’t want to give others any power. I’m taking a painkiller then I’m off to sleep… well if I can. I haven’t seen daylight in the last few days. I’m doubtful that I will much in the winter with the way I sleep. I’m starting to look awful as I age. I’m losing my eyelashes still and my face just looks tired / bloated.

I’m on my own and I don’t even care now.

I was desperate for friends and people to accept me for years… now I just don’t give a crap so much so that I literally blocked a load of people on social media. This is from my personal profile. It doesn’t affect the blog because I have separate pages for that. I guess that I ‘don’t want to mix business with pleasure etc’. I’m not even giving one person my business anymore either. I’m that much in a f you mood. It’s a permanent decision though. I will sort whatever out myself even if I can’t do it so well as letting someone else do it. I can’t really afford to pay for much anyway if I want to get out of here for food. It’s not that expensive on the grand scale of services but every little bit put away to move away for good helps. I’m finally thinking about me and my own needs rather than anyone else’s … probably still won’t sleep but it’s going to take a lot to ever get proper sleep again and it probably won’t be until I have moved away from here.

I seriously don’t care anymore.

Oh I love how people blank me in the street once I say I know exactly how it is. I’m an understanding person to a point until I see that no one gives a f. I don’t even give a f about what I do anymore. That has all made my decision. Off to buy painkillers now (need them for my leg anyway). It’s over. The things that go on will keep happening and people will never see me as a person. I’m not even upset anymore. I’ve got rid of every emotion. I am just a shell now. I really don’t care anymore. I’m out of everything I may have agreed to. I didn’t even want those things in the first place. I was trying to be nice and now I refuse to be nice. Nothing has changed around here. You’re all as spiteful and up yourselves as you were when I was a child here. I barely sleep and none of you care even though many of you from the past caused that.

The excuses people make…

The reason I ended up turning to addiction habits was simple. I always wanted a friend. I couldn’t get one and even when I did / do it hasn’t lasted long. I know why when I was younger. I hold my hands up to potentially being a complete cow at times. I really wasn’t nice at times but it wasn’t malicious. I get declined when I try to make friends… yet I look at peoples social networks and they’ve got lots of people added who I know they probably met in the same way as the whole boundaries excuse they gave me. The only difference between me and the others is that I have a form of autism … and now we see why I’m rejected. I’m just ‘not good enough’. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it but it’s so obvious. I had this excuse given to me more than once throughout my life. Then I’m told that I shouldn’t be affected by what I went through because it wasn’t that bad. I presume I also deserved all that due to my autism, BPD stuff huh? That this somehow makes it justified how I was treated and how I am still treated. I now feel wrong for letting the stuff that happened to me affect me because others have continued to tell me in comparison to the experiences of others, mine weren’t bad. Social services ruin lives. They ruined mine when they put me in the system as a teenager. They are inhumane and love to emotionally abuse their clients. I will never recover from that or having my baby ripped away from me for adoption. As I said, no one sees me as a proper person. I don’t really exist to the outside world. I try so hard but it never makes me seen. I’m rejectable in nature. And, let’s face it, that is because people see me as defective.

Well, tonight was a nightmare.

I got home late tonight thinking I could just go in the bath and then go to bed. Nope, this was far too easy to hope for… Firstly, I got back to find the car park full and even half of the grass full where we park up if we can’t get a space. I squeezed my car on there but this shouldn’t be happening. We literally never have this issue in the school holidays. It always happens during term time. It must be coinciding with something that is on during school term. I really need to raise the issue with the council contacts that a friend gave me because it’s absolutely ridiculous now. I can’t get a spot. I waited until about 3 am to have a bath because a water pipe had burst on the A47 and it was being fixed according to the company representative on Twitter. I was not happy anyway before I found the water pressure had gone down and there was no hot water. I walked in to find the cat had been sick in several places in the hallway. I had to clean that up while I was waiting for the water company to fix their issue so that I could have a bath. I actually deep condition masked my hair today and it’s still getting the odd knots. I even put curl cream in there to train the waves which prevents the strands getting matted. Anyway, that didn’t help a lot. It’s better but as it gets longer it’s getting worse. It isn’t like I don’t brush it regularly to try to prevent that.